Back in December, I went up to Stevens Point to visit my good friends, Ben and Annette. While we were up there, Annette directed me to a list that she had made, of 30 things that she wanted to accomplish before she was 30. Since I met Alexus, I've been in a major self-improvement sort of mood, and I've been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish in the next 4 and half years. I wrote this a week or two ago, but I've spent the last couple weeks tweaking it to make sure it's absolutely how I want it. I think it's perfect, now. And yes, some of them are incredibly nerdy. But come on, guys. You should know me by now. I'm trying to keep them reasonable, but challenging.
Without further ado, here are 30 things that I want to accomplish before I'm 30 years old. I will start a photo album on here to post photos or screenshots (as the case may be) to verify my progress. I will also update the note with completion dates.
Wish me luck.
1. Get Married.
2. Have a child, or at least be expecting one.
3. Own a house.
4. Learn to cook 20 "everyday" meals from memory. I don't know how to cook anything, really.
5. Learn Finnish. Of course, the language that I want to learn is one of the few not offered by Rosetta Stone. Figures, right?
6. Begin attending Tai Chi classes again.
7. Learn to play guitar.
8. See the following bands in concert: Coheed & Cambria, Marilyn Manson, Offspring, Smashing Pumpkins, Electric Six, Avenged Sevenfold, Nine Inch Nails.
9. See a classical music concert. I'd also accept an opera. Extra points if it's Don Giovanni.
10. Read 5 novels. Considering I never read, this'll be more difficult than most people would probably give me credit for.
11. Completely design a videogame. Either an old-school RPG or a survival-horror game. Maybe both in one? Find someone to help me make it.
12. Beat every Silent Hill game and every Tomb Raider game.
13. Have at least 5 Warcraft characters at the level cap. They don't have to be any good, but they have to get there.
14. See every episode of Star Trek. From every incarnation of the show. The movies too.
15. Make at least 25 pieces of artwork that aren't "work" related. Photography doesn't count.
16. Make at least $100 selling photography.
17. Wake up early and get at least 12 photo-shoots at sunrise. One in each month of the year, and each one in a different place.
18. Actually write the story I've had in my head for about 5 years, now. I don't know in what format it'll be, but I want to get it written down and viewable to the public.
19. Write 3 short stories.
20. Have at least $2000 invested in the stock market.
21. Successfully find 500 geocaches.
22. Go camping at least 5 more times.
23. Go canoeing at least 10 more times.
24. Take a multiple-state road trip with friends. Destination is not important, but we have to be gone for at least a week.
25. Travel to any one of these distant lands: New Zealand, Easter Island, Scotland, or Finland. Only one is required.
26. Visit Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, Ohio. Roller Coaster capital of the world!
27. Visit Roswell, New Mexico.
28. See the aurora borealis in person.
29. Have the perfect day. Watch the sun come up. Go out for an awesome and filling breakfast. Come home and play video-games until the food coma goes away. Go geocaching or canoeing all day, or at least spend all day outside. Have the spicy chicken pasta from Chili's for dinner. Go see a horror or sci-fi movie afterwards. Find a place to get ice-cream (even if it's late at night by this point.) Go for a walk in the countryside after sunset, just like old times. Come home again and sleep. Perfect.
30. Find a way to work from home. This is probably a pipe dream, but I'm going to try.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How Fortuitous
Things are a little jumbled up around here. I say that as though it's something different than normal. A lot has happened in the last week, and in some ways it feels like nothing has happened at all, if that makes any sense. It kind of feels like all of this stuff is happening at a time where I can "start fresh," as it were.
My boss has confirmed that starting the search for a new job would be encouraged. I've got until around August before I "officially" run out of work to do around here. But since all the part-timers are running out of work to do NOW, and they're getting their hours cut because of it, they'll have no problem parsing my work between the others. So basically I get a nice, cushy, 7-8 month window to find a new position. I'm also reaching that point where I can get away with saying that I have 5 years of experience. No more entry-level! Well, not necessarily, at least.
I've decided against going into the dog-training field at this point because I simply don't have enough experience right now. I had considered the Petco/PetSmart dog-trainer options as well, but I'd definitely like to conserve more money for the time being, and it'll be easier to make that going back into Graphic Design. In all fairness, I thought I'd have until 2013 to get more experience in that before I'd have to start looking again.
Lia has confirmed that she's leaving, because we just can't stand living together anymore. She's still figuring out what date she'll be out, but she's planning on it being sometime in February. Maybe as soon as February 1st. Honestly, I've reached the point where paying for the rest of the lease by myself is a preferred alternative to saving money and having her around. Whatever. I'll get by.
Things with Alexus are still great. Saturday was one month for us. I'm still very happy. Her transfer out of the far-away Saukville Walgreens finally went through, so that's definitely good news.
I've had a bronchial infection since last Wednesday/Thursday that is seriously taking forever to go away. It's filled with that wonderful kind of coughing that burns deep in your chest and makes it difficult to breathe most of the time. Even these antibiotics don't seem to be kicking it. I've currently taken 3 and a half sick days because of it. Not feeling particularly great today either, but I don't want to keep missing work. (Even though I'm not particularly fond of work and I'll be done with this job relatively soon. What's that all about?)
So for now, it's like taking each day one-at-a-time. There's a lot of uncertainty in the next few months, but somehow, I'm just not that worried. Lately, a fresh start has seemed overdue. It's just rare for it to happen with every aspect of my life at once.
My boss has confirmed that starting the search for a new job would be encouraged. I've got until around August before I "officially" run out of work to do around here. But since all the part-timers are running out of work to do NOW, and they're getting their hours cut because of it, they'll have no problem parsing my work between the others. So basically I get a nice, cushy, 7-8 month window to find a new position. I'm also reaching that point where I can get away with saying that I have 5 years of experience. No more entry-level! Well, not necessarily, at least.
I've decided against going into the dog-training field at this point because I simply don't have enough experience right now. I had considered the Petco/PetSmart dog-trainer options as well, but I'd definitely like to conserve more money for the time being, and it'll be easier to make that going back into Graphic Design. In all fairness, I thought I'd have until 2013 to get more experience in that before I'd have to start looking again.
Lia has confirmed that she's leaving, because we just can't stand living together anymore. She's still figuring out what date she'll be out, but she's planning on it being sometime in February. Maybe as soon as February 1st. Honestly, I've reached the point where paying for the rest of the lease by myself is a preferred alternative to saving money and having her around. Whatever. I'll get by.
Things with Alexus are still great. Saturday was one month for us. I'm still very happy. Her transfer out of the far-away Saukville Walgreens finally went through, so that's definitely good news.
I've had a bronchial infection since last Wednesday/Thursday that is seriously taking forever to go away. It's filled with that wonderful kind of coughing that burns deep in your chest and makes it difficult to breathe most of the time. Even these antibiotics don't seem to be kicking it. I've currently taken 3 and a half sick days because of it. Not feeling particularly great today either, but I don't want to keep missing work. (Even though I'm not particularly fond of work and I'll be done with this job relatively soon. What's that all about?)
So for now, it's like taking each day one-at-a-time. There's a lot of uncertainty in the next few months, but somehow, I'm just not that worried. Lately, a fresh start has seemed overdue. It's just rare for it to happen with every aspect of my life at once.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Round and Round
I consider myself a planner. The sort of person who also has goals set and a destination in mind at every turn. Seldom does anything ever go as planned, of course. Now that high school and college are finished, I'm discovering that the future is becoming a lot more hazy than I would care for.
Consider the terms of my current lease. I broke up with Lia in July, immediately after signing the lease. Lots of foresight there, clearly. The last several months have been a weird mixture of angry door-slamming to reluctant acceptance to "let's try be friends." Lately it's been kind of a blend of all three. A day or two ago, Lia broke the news to me that her brother and his roommate might be interested in taking the lease over in April. While that's amazing news because it gets us out of this awkward living situation sooner, it makes me wonder what else is in store.
A few months ago, my boss took the opportunity to remind me that my job will be essentially "over" when this giant project gets finished. Originally, that was supposed to be done in 2013. Over the last couple months, the other coworkers in my department have been running out of work to do, so the big-wigs have been taking the work that was meant for me and delegating it to the others to give them something to do. According to my boss's projections, I MIGHT be done as early as August. I genuinely do not want to leave this job sooner than I have to, but my boss has been dodging my questions about the subject for the last couple days, so that's generally not a good sign.
This puts me in quite a spot as far as concerns my next lease. Let's assume I'm out in April. I'm not going to want to take on a year lease if I may by jobless in a few months. 6 months might work and month-to-month would definitely work, but leases like that are hard to come by these days. That also brings up concerns about the roommate situation. Alexus and I like to spend a lot of time together. I realize some of you frown on that since it's only been a month, but that's how both of us like to pursue relationships, so it's working out great as far as we're concerned. I don't see that changing anytime soon. If I would go the roommate route, though, I think any roommate would probably get sick of having another frequent visitor pretty quickly. At the same time, living "alone" is a lot of undue financial strain. Even if Alexus weren't in the picture at all, I really liked the freedom of living alone and having free-reign of my territory. Not to mention that if I do end up jobless, even for a month or two, it would screw over a potential roommate pretty badly.
My original plan was to finish up my dog-training classes, practice until 2013, and then see what I'm comfortable with at that point. I'm not going to have time for that if August is my deadline. The last time I met with my mentor, she asked me what I wanted to do with the certification. I told her I wasn't certain yet. She did tell me that she knows that the Washington County and Ozaukee County Humane Societies need a lot of help from experienced trainers. I was unclear if those were paid positions or not, but it's a lead and I have a reference, I suppose. I really don't want to work graphic design again unless I have to. I've done it for years now, and the more it goes on, the less I think it's my "calling." I suppose if all else fails, I can take a pay-cut and check into my options working as a trainer at a Petco or Petsmart. I'll look for graphic design again if I have to, but I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
In the end, I suppose here's what I'm left with. If the lease is done in April now, I would probably need to have a good idea of what's going on with work at some point in February in order to formulate a better plan of attack. I've discussed this with a couple of coworkers here, and they've reminded me that NPH doesn't grant any sort of unemployment because it is a non-profit that is in the church industry, and therefore not eligible to be used for such a thing. I'm not entirely certain how the legality of everything works there, but I'm trying not to bank on it as an option, just in case. Thoughts? Anybody?
Consider the terms of my current lease. I broke up with Lia in July, immediately after signing the lease. Lots of foresight there, clearly. The last several months have been a weird mixture of angry door-slamming to reluctant acceptance to "let's try be friends." Lately it's been kind of a blend of all three. A day or two ago, Lia broke the news to me that her brother and his roommate might be interested in taking the lease over in April. While that's amazing news because it gets us out of this awkward living situation sooner, it makes me wonder what else is in store.
A few months ago, my boss took the opportunity to remind me that my job will be essentially "over" when this giant project gets finished. Originally, that was supposed to be done in 2013. Over the last couple months, the other coworkers in my department have been running out of work to do, so the big-wigs have been taking the work that was meant for me and delegating it to the others to give them something to do. According to my boss's projections, I MIGHT be done as early as August. I genuinely do not want to leave this job sooner than I have to, but my boss has been dodging my questions about the subject for the last couple days, so that's generally not a good sign.
This puts me in quite a spot as far as concerns my next lease. Let's assume I'm out in April. I'm not going to want to take on a year lease if I may by jobless in a few months. 6 months might work and month-to-month would definitely work, but leases like that are hard to come by these days. That also brings up concerns about the roommate situation. Alexus and I like to spend a lot of time together. I realize some of you frown on that since it's only been a month, but that's how both of us like to pursue relationships, so it's working out great as far as we're concerned. I don't see that changing anytime soon. If I would go the roommate route, though, I think any roommate would probably get sick of having another frequent visitor pretty quickly. At the same time, living "alone" is a lot of undue financial strain. Even if Alexus weren't in the picture at all, I really liked the freedom of living alone and having free-reign of my territory. Not to mention that if I do end up jobless, even for a month or two, it would screw over a potential roommate pretty badly.
My original plan was to finish up my dog-training classes, practice until 2013, and then see what I'm comfortable with at that point. I'm not going to have time for that if August is my deadline. The last time I met with my mentor, she asked me what I wanted to do with the certification. I told her I wasn't certain yet. She did tell me that she knows that the Washington County and Ozaukee County Humane Societies need a lot of help from experienced trainers. I was unclear if those were paid positions or not, but it's a lead and I have a reference, I suppose. I really don't want to work graphic design again unless I have to. I've done it for years now, and the more it goes on, the less I think it's my "calling." I suppose if all else fails, I can take a pay-cut and check into my options working as a trainer at a Petco or Petsmart. I'll look for graphic design again if I have to, but I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
In the end, I suppose here's what I'm left with. If the lease is done in April now, I would probably need to have a good idea of what's going on with work at some point in February in order to formulate a better plan of attack. I've discussed this with a couple of coworkers here, and they've reminded me that NPH doesn't grant any sort of unemployment because it is a non-profit that is in the church industry, and therefore not eligible to be used for such a thing. I'm not entirely certain how the legality of everything works there, but I'm trying not to bank on it as an option, just in case. Thoughts? Anybody?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Resolving
I've never really allowed myself to have New Years Resolutions. I've always tried to live my life regret free, believing that both good things and bad ones all happen for a reason, and if you roll with the punches, you'll still end up where you're supposed to be. From that viewpoint, it's always felt frivolous to attempt to enact a change of your own because life's just going to do whatever it wants anyway.
But more-so this year than any before, I can't help but feel like the universe is moving pieces around the board again. The most notable example of which is the addition of Alexus into my life. Since a lot of you out there don't know the full story, allow me to explain in greater detail. And pay attention, I think the details are important here.
The new World of Warcraft expansion had a midnight release on 12/7 for all of the people who had it reserved and fully paid off, myself included. So I show up around 11:45. Since the mall is closed, everyone is supposed to line up at one particular entrance, and the Gamestop employees have brought everybody's copy of the game down to hand out. Meanwhile, I'm standing in this group of guys who are being loud and obnoxious and boasting about how great their characters are. At some point they focus their attention on me and ask about mine, which one of the guys promptly starts berating. Instead of listening to this, I go over to talk to the employees who are patiently waiting for midnight.
Midnight strikes and the employees ask everyone to start forming lines. Since I'm already standing by the employees, I'm "first" in line just in terms of where I'm standing. At this point, the guy who was being a douche to me before starts freaking out about how I have to go to the back of the line because they were all there first. I don't honestly care. It's tired and I'm cold, so I just went without a fuss. Now I'm the last person in line, and I'm standing next to a guy and a girl. The guy introduced himself as James, and that prompted the girl, Alexus, to introduce herself as well. James begins making small talk about how all of his friends have stopped playing, so the game is kind of boring to him. Alexus, meanwhile, pulls out her phone to show us videos of her Warcraft character. As she's doing this, James suggests "hey, let's all exchange phone numbers so that we can talk on WoW." So, we do.
As we're moving up in line, I find out that Alexus is friends with a lot of the people that work at Gamestop, and that she's hanging out with them afterwards. Eventually, I get up to the front and the employees realize that they forgot my copy of the game up in the store. The mall is closed, and we're not supposed to go in, but the store manager decides to bring Alexus and I inside because he's not sending me home empty-handed and she has plans with friends who will be up there too. When we get up there, the employees all go into the Gamestop, but since Alexus and I are not employees, they can't let us into the store. So instead, Alexus and I get to sit down outside the closed Gamestop in the empty mall and chat one-on-one for several minutes. The employees come out and hand me my game, I thank them and say goodbye to Alexus. As I'm walking away, she shouts after me "You have my number, right?" I say I do and tell her to have a good night.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I was thinking about that whole experience on the drive back home. When lots of little random things happen to put me in a particular situation, I believe that's the universe trying to tell me something. So I'm thinking, if that guy hadn't douched out on me, I wouldn't have gotten sent to the back of the line and met Alexus. If James hadn't brought up the number exchange, I know I probably wouldn't have done it. If the employees hadn't forgotten my copy and ONLY my copy of the game, I wouldn't have gotten to go upstairs. And if the Gamestop employees had let us come in, Alexus and I wouldn't have gotten to talk one-on-one. When you look at the night as a whole, I feel like there were an awful lot of "coincidences" that occurred to put me in that situation. So, I went with my gut, and a couple of quick text messages eventually turned into the relationship that we had now. What are the odds that after talking over the last few weeks that we have the similar hobbies? Personality and sense of humor? Values? Life goals? Beliefs? She's a quirky gamer dork. Just like me. We have a very natural chemistry and the fact that she can make me laugh until I'm crying doesn't hurt either. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just can't imagine all of this being "chance".
I think the best things in life are out of our control. Look back and you'll see that my interaction and choice to make contact played a very small role in the events leading up to all this. The rest was up to the universe.
That being said, I've decided to make a small resolution this year anyway. I'm going to try and go back to writing a blog every week. I decided to take a break because I was writing a story which I was going to post. But then life got in the way, as it so often does, and I kept pushing it off as my muse faded. Now it's a couple of months later and I've got no writing to show for it. I'm hoping that'll change this time around.
Happy New Year, everyone.
But more-so this year than any before, I can't help but feel like the universe is moving pieces around the board again. The most notable example of which is the addition of Alexus into my life. Since a lot of you out there don't know the full story, allow me to explain in greater detail. And pay attention, I think the details are important here.
The new World of Warcraft expansion had a midnight release on 12/7 for all of the people who had it reserved and fully paid off, myself included. So I show up around 11:45. Since the mall is closed, everyone is supposed to line up at one particular entrance, and the Gamestop employees have brought everybody's copy of the game down to hand out. Meanwhile, I'm standing in this group of guys who are being loud and obnoxious and boasting about how great their characters are. At some point they focus their attention on me and ask about mine, which one of the guys promptly starts berating. Instead of listening to this, I go over to talk to the employees who are patiently waiting for midnight.
Midnight strikes and the employees ask everyone to start forming lines. Since I'm already standing by the employees, I'm "first" in line just in terms of where I'm standing. At this point, the guy who was being a douche to me before starts freaking out about how I have to go to the back of the line because they were all there first. I don't honestly care. It's tired and I'm cold, so I just went without a fuss. Now I'm the last person in line, and I'm standing next to a guy and a girl. The guy introduced himself as James, and that prompted the girl, Alexus, to introduce herself as well. James begins making small talk about how all of his friends have stopped playing, so the game is kind of boring to him. Alexus, meanwhile, pulls out her phone to show us videos of her Warcraft character. As she's doing this, James suggests "hey, let's all exchange phone numbers so that we can talk on WoW." So, we do.
As we're moving up in line, I find out that Alexus is friends with a lot of the people that work at Gamestop, and that she's hanging out with them afterwards. Eventually, I get up to the front and the employees realize that they forgot my copy of the game up in the store. The mall is closed, and we're not supposed to go in, but the store manager decides to bring Alexus and I inside because he's not sending me home empty-handed and she has plans with friends who will be up there too. When we get up there, the employees all go into the Gamestop, but since Alexus and I are not employees, they can't let us into the store. So instead, Alexus and I get to sit down outside the closed Gamestop in the empty mall and chat one-on-one for several minutes. The employees come out and hand me my game, I thank them and say goodbye to Alexus. As I'm walking away, she shouts after me "You have my number, right?" I say I do and tell her to have a good night.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I was thinking about that whole experience on the drive back home. When lots of little random things happen to put me in a particular situation, I believe that's the universe trying to tell me something. So I'm thinking, if that guy hadn't douched out on me, I wouldn't have gotten sent to the back of the line and met Alexus. If James hadn't brought up the number exchange, I know I probably wouldn't have done it. If the employees hadn't forgotten my copy and ONLY my copy of the game, I wouldn't have gotten to go upstairs. And if the Gamestop employees had let us come in, Alexus and I wouldn't have gotten to talk one-on-one. When you look at the night as a whole, I feel like there were an awful lot of "coincidences" that occurred to put me in that situation. So, I went with my gut, and a couple of quick text messages eventually turned into the relationship that we had now. What are the odds that after talking over the last few weeks that we have the similar hobbies? Personality and sense of humor? Values? Life goals? Beliefs? She's a quirky gamer dork. Just like me. We have a very natural chemistry and the fact that she can make me laugh until I'm crying doesn't hurt either. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just can't imagine all of this being "chance".
I think the best things in life are out of our control. Look back and you'll see that my interaction and choice to make contact played a very small role in the events leading up to all this. The rest was up to the universe.
That being said, I've decided to make a small resolution this year anyway. I'm going to try and go back to writing a blog every week. I decided to take a break because I was writing a story which I was going to post. But then life got in the way, as it so often does, and I kept pushing it off as my muse faded. Now it's a couple of months later and I've got no writing to show for it. I'm hoping that'll change this time around.
Happy New Year, everyone.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Here We Go Again
When I was hired at this job, my soon-to-be boss told me during the interview that I was being hired specifically to work on one project, and that this project is scheduled to last through 2013. When I took the job, I was certainly not in any mood to turn down an offer... I had just gotten laid off from my previous job a month before and my savings were almost completely empty just from trying to survive on the rent I was paying.
The plan, as I had imagined it, was that my dog-training schooling would be complete in about January or February of 2011. Over the following two years, I would begin to see how much work I could drum up by doing dog-training stuff on the side. Once 2013 got closer, I would have a better idea if training full-time would be possible, or if I would need to begin seeking other employment.
The other day, I dropped something off for my boss, and she sat me down to "remind me" that my employment can't be guaranteed after the Christ-Light project is over. Like I said, this wasn't new information to me. However, she proceeded to tell me that they've done a lot of rearranging of who is doing what specific task over the next couple of years. Long story short, I could be out of a job as early as next August.
In addition, she also told me that she had to cut the hours for everybody else in the department, and was "informing me" that I can go a minimum of 32 hours without losing health insurance. She said that she's not really in the loop either, and so she just wants to keep me as informed as possible. There are, and I agree with her, way too many other factors to say anything for sure. The project that I'm working on, according to my boss, is the basket that the company is putting all their eggs in. If it flops, there will be serious consequences on the business end. I would be losing my job at the end either way, because it's a one-time project. There's no sustainability there for me.
If I get knocked down to 32 hours, I'll be losing 20% of my wages. That's pretty scary. Everything is still completely up in the air right now. My projects are still "scheduled" to 2013 so it's hard to say whether they're going to keep me doing them or not. And the hours thing may not even happen. It's way too soon to tell on either front, and I don't want to start look at other jobs until I have more information. I don't want to leave this job because of something that MAY happen. I probably won't know until next year. Though if I get knocked down to 32 hours, I will probably start seeking part-time employment somewhere else.
Also, I was sifting through my task list at work today, when I came across a Teacher's Guide that I have to put together. It takes about a month to complete and I haven't started it yet because it's not due til January. At least, I thought so. This morning I discovered that I must have written down the wrong due date, and this massive project is in fact due NEXT THURSDAY. It never ends around here.
The plan, as I had imagined it, was that my dog-training schooling would be complete in about January or February of 2011. Over the following two years, I would begin to see how much work I could drum up by doing dog-training stuff on the side. Once 2013 got closer, I would have a better idea if training full-time would be possible, or if I would need to begin seeking other employment.
The other day, I dropped something off for my boss, and she sat me down to "remind me" that my employment can't be guaranteed after the Christ-Light project is over. Like I said, this wasn't new information to me. However, she proceeded to tell me that they've done a lot of rearranging of who is doing what specific task over the next couple of years. Long story short, I could be out of a job as early as next August.
In addition, she also told me that she had to cut the hours for everybody else in the department, and was "informing me" that I can go a minimum of 32 hours without losing health insurance. She said that she's not really in the loop either, and so she just wants to keep me as informed as possible. There are, and I agree with her, way too many other factors to say anything for sure. The project that I'm working on, according to my boss, is the basket that the company is putting all their eggs in. If it flops, there will be serious consequences on the business end. I would be losing my job at the end either way, because it's a one-time project. There's no sustainability there for me.
If I get knocked down to 32 hours, I'll be losing 20% of my wages. That's pretty scary. Everything is still completely up in the air right now. My projects are still "scheduled" to 2013 so it's hard to say whether they're going to keep me doing them or not. And the hours thing may not even happen. It's way too soon to tell on either front, and I don't want to start look at other jobs until I have more information. I don't want to leave this job because of something that MAY happen. I probably won't know until next year. Though if I get knocked down to 32 hours, I will probably start seeking part-time employment somewhere else.
Also, I was sifting through my task list at work today, when I came across a Teacher's Guide that I have to put together. It takes about a month to complete and I haven't started it yet because it's not due til January. At least, I thought so. This morning I discovered that I must have written down the wrong due date, and this massive project is in fact due NEXT THURSDAY. It never ends around here.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Egg
I've been extremely busy this weekend and haven't had time to prepare my weekly babbling of pseudo-existential bullshit. Instead, I will provide you with this short story, brought to my attention by my dear friend Kim. It resonates with me. It's called "The Egg" by Andy Weir.
---
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
---
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Out of Carrots. Out of Sticks.
Gambit is the most high-maintenance, and for lack of a better term, "emo" dog that I've ever dealt with. He has very severe separation anxiety. When my roommate's out, he is a complete emotional wreck. Every single time. He has no interest in food or treats. He has very limited interest in playing. He just mopes around the house, and he cries and whines at the door and at the windows, waiting for her to come home. Even if he's sitting right next to me or on my lap, all he does is whine and whine. He's started doing this thing where he "howls" at night if he has to sleep in my room. He doesn't sleep, he just cries all night. If I leave him out of the crate, he scratches at the door, or puts his face next to my bed and cries. I got 3 hours of sleep last night because he won't leave me alone unless I crate him, and even crated he doesn't stop.
During the day he's rarely more than a foot away. I tend to pace around the house when I'm on the phone with somebody, and even if I'm having an hour-long conversation where I'm slowly going in circles the whole time, he's still right next to me EVERY step of the way. If the dog and I are home alone, and I have to take the trash out, I may be gone for 1 minute tops. But when I come back inside, Gambit acts as though he hasn't seen me in a million years. He jumps from the floor up to shoulder level over and over and over. If I'm carrying things, he knocks them out of my hands. If I ignore him he starts whining loudly or standing right in my path or running between my legs, which is going to trip me someday. It's not just "I'm excited to see you!" It's more like "I thought I'd never see you again!"
This morning, I woke up to a note that Lia was calling in sick and that she just wants to sleep. I realized that I had to leash him and take him outside as soon as he left the crate, otherwise he'd cause a fuss. In the ten seconds it took me to walk from my room to grab the leash and come back, he started barking loudly at 6:30 in the morning, so I had to quick run back in so he would settle down. I took him out and then when I brought him in I realized I couldn't let him off the leash because he'd be loud and whimpery like he always is, and probably start whining outside her door and she'd wake up and I'd get yelled at. I also couldn't crate him because apparently he feels like barking today. So when I prepared his food, I had to hold him with me on the leash. When he was eating, I had to stand there with him leashed while he ate. When I showered, I had to bring him in the bathroom and tie him to the door knob (where he promptly started crying again.) Then I had to immediately bring him back into my room and crate him so I could go to work. He wouldn't get in of course, because he knows that the crate means he's going to be alone. So, I had to pick him up and put him in. Which led to more crying. We can't leave him uncrated or he'll destroy or pee on everything and he's not interested in any of his toys or chew things while we're gone because he's too depressed to satisfy his own boredom. This is what most days are like.
I was doing some research. This is the worst kind of separation anxiety, in which we should probably be taking him to the vet because he needs to be on a constant supply of anti-anxiety drugs (and may need to be for months or years.) I'm also learning that the worst thing for a dog like Gambit is to be faced with a full-blown version of what he's distressed about, like for example, every work day where he's alone all day. And from what I've been seeing, the only way that we can treat his problems with training is to do the thing where we gradually leave for longer and longer periods of time, and this process takes WEEKS. But that won't work in this case because every time we are both at work he reverts back to full-blown distress again. I think that's why he's been getting worse these last two weeks. He's even started to become aggressive towards other dogs, especially the landlord's dogs downstairs, and that obviously can't continue. He cannot handle a living in a home situation like this. He needs to be with someone who is ALWAYS home. At least until his problem goes away, which again could take months or years. So unless we find a daily dog-sitter or take him to doggy day-care (I assume that we wouldn't be able to afford either one) we're pretty much screwed.
I suspect that even if I worked with him on this problem every day, that it wouldn't fix it as long as he's still all alone during the work day. I can try to train him to stop jumping, or barking, or being dog aggressive, or "leave it." But those aren't the problems. Those are all symptoms of the separation anxiety and they won't go away until that's fixed. That's something that I can't cure unless one of us is home all day, every day. If a kid was his "dog-years" age and acting this way, he would be in extreme psychological counseling. I love the dog very much, but I don't feel as though we're equipped to handle this.
During the day he's rarely more than a foot away. I tend to pace around the house when I'm on the phone with somebody, and even if I'm having an hour-long conversation where I'm slowly going in circles the whole time, he's still right next to me EVERY step of the way. If the dog and I are home alone, and I have to take the trash out, I may be gone for 1 minute tops. But when I come back inside, Gambit acts as though he hasn't seen me in a million years. He jumps from the floor up to shoulder level over and over and over. If I'm carrying things, he knocks them out of my hands. If I ignore him he starts whining loudly or standing right in my path or running between my legs, which is going to trip me someday. It's not just "I'm excited to see you!" It's more like "I thought I'd never see you again!"
This morning, I woke up to a note that Lia was calling in sick and that she just wants to sleep. I realized that I had to leash him and take him outside as soon as he left the crate, otherwise he'd cause a fuss. In the ten seconds it took me to walk from my room to grab the leash and come back, he started barking loudly at 6:30 in the morning, so I had to quick run back in so he would settle down. I took him out and then when I brought him in I realized I couldn't let him off the leash because he'd be loud and whimpery like he always is, and probably start whining outside her door and she'd wake up and I'd get yelled at. I also couldn't crate him because apparently he feels like barking today. So when I prepared his food, I had to hold him with me on the leash. When he was eating, I had to stand there with him leashed while he ate. When I showered, I had to bring him in the bathroom and tie him to the door knob (where he promptly started crying again.) Then I had to immediately bring him back into my room and crate him so I could go to work. He wouldn't get in of course, because he knows that the crate means he's going to be alone. So, I had to pick him up and put him in. Which led to more crying. We can't leave him uncrated or he'll destroy or pee on everything and he's not interested in any of his toys or chew things while we're gone because he's too depressed to satisfy his own boredom. This is what most days are like.
I was doing some research. This is the worst kind of separation anxiety, in which we should probably be taking him to the vet because he needs to be on a constant supply of anti-anxiety drugs (and may need to be for months or years.) I'm also learning that the worst thing for a dog like Gambit is to be faced with a full-blown version of what he's distressed about, like for example, every work day where he's alone all day. And from what I've been seeing, the only way that we can treat his problems with training is to do the thing where we gradually leave for longer and longer periods of time, and this process takes WEEKS. But that won't work in this case because every time we are both at work he reverts back to full-blown distress again. I think that's why he's been getting worse these last two weeks. He's even started to become aggressive towards other dogs, especially the landlord's dogs downstairs, and that obviously can't continue. He cannot handle a living in a home situation like this. He needs to be with someone who is ALWAYS home. At least until his problem goes away, which again could take months or years. So unless we find a daily dog-sitter or take him to doggy day-care (I assume that we wouldn't be able to afford either one) we're pretty much screwed.
I suspect that even if I worked with him on this problem every day, that it wouldn't fix it as long as he's still all alone during the work day. I can try to train him to stop jumping, or barking, or being dog aggressive, or "leave it." But those aren't the problems. Those are all symptoms of the separation anxiety and they won't go away until that's fixed. That's something that I can't cure unless one of us is home all day, every day. If a kid was his "dog-years" age and acting this way, he would be in extreme psychological counseling. I love the dog very much, but I don't feel as though we're equipped to handle this.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Cauterizing the Wound
The sky was orange from the far-off city lights. I think that's what I'm going to remember the most. Clouds covered the sky as though they were large splatters of paint on a dark canvas. The two of us stood at the field on the top of the hill, letting the flames at our feet dwindle in the wind.
I suppose it goes without saying that we were both there for different reasons. He stood in silence watching the pages burn one after another, and as each one withered into ash and ember, I think it soothed his pain. But the hurt would stay hidden for the time-being. He was too stoic for that. He stared at the ground, watching the book slowly get eaten away. Instead, I focused on the sky. The clouds, the stars, the breeze, the temperature... It was all so very familiar and it brought me back to summers lost. One in particular.
But I didn't come there for closure or nostalgia. In fact, I didn't come there for me at all. But I realized that 12 AM looked exactly like 11:59 did the minute before. Different days, same moment. As such, the end of summer now looked exactly like the one I remember from years ago. The year may be different, but I was still locked in the same moment. People change. Times change. Friendships come and go. The power of human recognition never fails to amaze me. But standing in that moment again felt like being back in time, watching the future that I've lived in the meantime stretching out before me; except this time if felt like some distant future instead of a memory. It felt like everything between then and now peeled away, and for just a moment, I held a small piece of innocence again. I had been offered a glimpse back to those times when I was filled with youthful exuberance and optimism, believing that years in the future, I will have found my place and my freedom. I felt like I had a destiny, waiting for me out there somewhere.
It's a funny thing to have the weight of your memories crashing upon you all at once. It makes the rest of your life seem trite and inconsequential next to those halcyon days that you'll never truly get to live through again. If I ever had the opportunity to trade in everything I've accomplished to go back to those moments... Well, sometimes I can't promise I wouldn't do it.
He stomped out the last vestiges of the fire below, scattering a thousand tiny remnants into the wind. I took one last look at the world around me; a scene from a memory that I may not ever see again. But it was there, and I had to take stock of it. The cold night crept in again and I began to realize that it truly was turning into autumn, no matter how much I wanted to hang on. We turned and started to descend the hill, and though I came with nothing, I left behind another wasted summer.
I suppose it goes without saying that we were both there for different reasons. He stood in silence watching the pages burn one after another, and as each one withered into ash and ember, I think it soothed his pain. But the hurt would stay hidden for the time-being. He was too stoic for that. He stared at the ground, watching the book slowly get eaten away. Instead, I focused on the sky. The clouds, the stars, the breeze, the temperature... It was all so very familiar and it brought me back to summers lost. One in particular.
But I didn't come there for closure or nostalgia. In fact, I didn't come there for me at all. But I realized that 12 AM looked exactly like 11:59 did the minute before. Different days, same moment. As such, the end of summer now looked exactly like the one I remember from years ago. The year may be different, but I was still locked in the same moment. People change. Times change. Friendships come and go. The power of human recognition never fails to amaze me. But standing in that moment again felt like being back in time, watching the future that I've lived in the meantime stretching out before me; except this time if felt like some distant future instead of a memory. It felt like everything between then and now peeled away, and for just a moment, I held a small piece of innocence again. I had been offered a glimpse back to those times when I was filled with youthful exuberance and optimism, believing that years in the future, I will have found my place and my freedom. I felt like I had a destiny, waiting for me out there somewhere.
It's a funny thing to have the weight of your memories crashing upon you all at once. It makes the rest of your life seem trite and inconsequential next to those halcyon days that you'll never truly get to live through again. If I ever had the opportunity to trade in everything I've accomplished to go back to those moments... Well, sometimes I can't promise I wouldn't do it.
He stomped out the last vestiges of the fire below, scattering a thousand tiny remnants into the wind. I took one last look at the world around me; a scene from a memory that I may not ever see again. But it was there, and I had to take stock of it. The cold night crept in again and I began to realize that it truly was turning into autumn, no matter how much I wanted to hang on. We turned and started to descend the hill, and though I came with nothing, I left behind another wasted summer.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Once
Do you remember the time the power went out? I sat on the lawn watching the storms roll in and lightning streak across the sky. I kept hoping that you would call. I was going to give you a poem I had written for you by candlelight. But you never called. I threw it away.
Do you remember when we rode our bikes 20 miles just to go to Dairy Queen? I never felt like I had earned a meal as much as that afternoon. The worst part was riding them all the way back after just eating at Dairy Queen.
Do you remember the night you asked me if I had feelings for you? I lied to you, because you were with somebody else. I wish I had said "yes" anyway. I wonder if it would have changed anything.
Do you remember when we freed the raccoon that was stuck in the garbage can in the middle of the night? It was whimpering, and at first we had no idea where the noise was coming from. When we eventually peered into the garbage can, it was staring back with big mournful eyes. Together, we lifted the garbage can and tilted it to let the little guy go free. He ran off into the night and looked back just once, as if to say "thank you."
Do you remember the long walk home from your friend's house that cold night in January? We saw a shooting star, and you told me to make a wish. I still remember what I wished for. It never came true.
Do you remember when I picked you up so we could go to that birthday party? You and I had one of the craziest conversations I think I've ever had. (And that's saying something.) When we got there, you guys all decided it would be funny to smoosh leftover frosting and cake in my hair. It took me two days to get all the blue coloring out. But it was still fun.
Do you remember when our classmate made you cry after prom? I've still never completely forgiven him for making you feel that way.
Do you remember when the entire town flooded? We went to the park and decided that looking at the flood water wasn't enough. So we rolled up our jeans to our knees and walked two miles of the path on what used to be a nature trail through the forest, except in waist deep water. The water was dirty and we were concerned about leeches, but we didn't even care. One of my favorite adventures of all time.
Do you remember when we decided to drive up to the "best haunted house in the state?" We waited in line for probably 3 hours. When we finally got in, it actually kind of sucked. But I remember getting our tickets and sitting on the guardrail next to the ramp, waiting for them to call our numbers. Laughing and talking and quoting Family Guy to make the hours go by.
Do you remember when we went mini-golfing and you fell in the water trap? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We must have laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. The best part was when someone across the golf-course yelled "I got pictures!"
Do you remember when we stole a whole bunch of lunch trays from the MDR cafeteria to go sledding? Somebody's keys had come out of their pocket and gotten lost on the sled hill in the dark. The rest of us left to get flashlights, but instead got mozzarella sticks and hot-chocolate and decided "it's too cold, and he's an idiot."
Do you remember when you got a bunch of us together to drive out to the countryside? You wanted to take us to go see the fireflies because there were thousands of them lighting up the pitch black night. Then a park authority came by, and we all decided to hide... poorly. We had to take two cars full of people to get there, so I don't know how we thought we'd get away with that. He yelled at us for being in the park after closing time and made us leave.
Do you remember sitting at Denny's at midnight to come up with good prank ideas? We were there until 3 AM, and I had so many vanilla cokes that I didn't sleep the whole night.
Do you remember the time when we decided that it would be a good idea to walk to Culvers at 9:30 PM when they closed at 10? It never seemed that far away when we were driving past it, but actually walking just barely got us there in time. It was extremely humid and we had blisters on our feet because we were walking through fairly deep gravel in flip-flops.
Do you remember when you found out that your office was closing and you were getting laid off? We got the cheese sticks from Toppers and hung out in your office, which was severely lacking in furniture, complaining very vocally about the whole ordeal. You also tried convincing me to do a shot of straight garlic butter sauce. I promptly declined.
Do you remember when we used to try and get together during our lunch breaks? I only had a half hour, and with the driving time and the irregularity of your lunch schedule, we only ended up getting to sit and talk for three to five minutes. Somehow, it was still fun. And I miss it.
Do you remember when we rode our bikes 20 miles just to go to Dairy Queen? I never felt like I had earned a meal as much as that afternoon. The worst part was riding them all the way back after just eating at Dairy Queen.
Do you remember the night you asked me if I had feelings for you? I lied to you, because you were with somebody else. I wish I had said "yes" anyway. I wonder if it would have changed anything.
Do you remember when we freed the raccoon that was stuck in the garbage can in the middle of the night? It was whimpering, and at first we had no idea where the noise was coming from. When we eventually peered into the garbage can, it was staring back with big mournful eyes. Together, we lifted the garbage can and tilted it to let the little guy go free. He ran off into the night and looked back just once, as if to say "thank you."
Do you remember the long walk home from your friend's house that cold night in January? We saw a shooting star, and you told me to make a wish. I still remember what I wished for. It never came true.
Do you remember when I picked you up so we could go to that birthday party? You and I had one of the craziest conversations I think I've ever had. (And that's saying something.) When we got there, you guys all decided it would be funny to smoosh leftover frosting and cake in my hair. It took me two days to get all the blue coloring out. But it was still fun.
Do you remember when our classmate made you cry after prom? I've still never completely forgiven him for making you feel that way.
Do you remember when the entire town flooded? We went to the park and decided that looking at the flood water wasn't enough. So we rolled up our jeans to our knees and walked two miles of the path on what used to be a nature trail through the forest, except in waist deep water. The water was dirty and we were concerned about leeches, but we didn't even care. One of my favorite adventures of all time.
Do you remember when we decided to drive up to the "best haunted house in the state?" We waited in line for probably 3 hours. When we finally got in, it actually kind of sucked. But I remember getting our tickets and sitting on the guardrail next to the ramp, waiting for them to call our numbers. Laughing and talking and quoting Family Guy to make the hours go by.
Do you remember when we went mini-golfing and you fell in the water trap? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We must have laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. The best part was when someone across the golf-course yelled "I got pictures!"
Do you remember when we stole a whole bunch of lunch trays from the MDR cafeteria to go sledding? Somebody's keys had come out of their pocket and gotten lost on the sled hill in the dark. The rest of us left to get flashlights, but instead got mozzarella sticks and hot-chocolate and decided "it's too cold, and he's an idiot."
Do you remember when you got a bunch of us together to drive out to the countryside? You wanted to take us to go see the fireflies because there were thousands of them lighting up the pitch black night. Then a park authority came by, and we all decided to hide... poorly. We had to take two cars full of people to get there, so I don't know how we thought we'd get away with that. He yelled at us for being in the park after closing time and made us leave.
Do you remember sitting at Denny's at midnight to come up with good prank ideas? We were there until 3 AM, and I had so many vanilla cokes that I didn't sleep the whole night.
Do you remember the time when we decided that it would be a good idea to walk to Culvers at 9:30 PM when they closed at 10? It never seemed that far away when we were driving past it, but actually walking just barely got us there in time. It was extremely humid and we had blisters on our feet because we were walking through fairly deep gravel in flip-flops.
Do you remember when you found out that your office was closing and you were getting laid off? We got the cheese sticks from Toppers and hung out in your office, which was severely lacking in furniture, complaining very vocally about the whole ordeal. You also tried convincing me to do a shot of straight garlic butter sauce. I promptly declined.
Do you remember when we used to try and get together during our lunch breaks? I only had a half hour, and with the driving time and the irregularity of your lunch schedule, we only ended up getting to sit and talk for three to five minutes. Somehow, it was still fun. And I miss it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Teeth
I have always placed a lot of emphasis on the science of dreaming. To me, it offers a glimpse into someone's subconscious without the burden of their conscious mind getting in the way and tainting what all the information means. Generally, the information is offered up in a way that's so veiled that the dreamer can't distinguish the meaning, and henceforth, won't leave out evidence of their feelings and emotions that they might otherwise hide. When you're analyzing somebody's dreams, I believe that the dream offers pure insight into the dreamer's mental state, and especially into the parts of it that the dreamer himself isn't even aware of. The whole system of mental faculties surrounding dreams fascinates me.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
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