Do you remember the time the power went out? I sat on the lawn watching the storms roll in and lightning streak across the sky. I kept hoping that you would call. I was going to give you a poem I had written for you by candlelight. But you never called. I threw it away.
Do you remember when we rode our bikes 20 miles just to go to Dairy Queen? I never felt like I had earned a meal as much as that afternoon. The worst part was riding them all the way back after just eating at Dairy Queen.
Do you remember the night you asked me if I had feelings for you? I lied to you, because you were with somebody else. I wish I had said "yes" anyway. I wonder if it would have changed anything.
Do you remember when we freed the raccoon that was stuck in the garbage can in the middle of the night? It was whimpering, and at first we had no idea where the noise was coming from. When we eventually peered into the garbage can, it was staring back with big mournful eyes. Together, we lifted the garbage can and tilted it to let the little guy go free. He ran off into the night and looked back just once, as if to say "thank you."
Do you remember the long walk home from your friend's house that cold night in January? We saw a shooting star, and you told me to make a wish. I still remember what I wished for. It never came true.
Do you remember when I picked you up so we could go to that birthday party? You and I had one of the craziest conversations I think I've ever had. (And that's saying something.) When we got there, you guys all decided it would be funny to smoosh leftover frosting and cake in my hair. It took me two days to get all the blue coloring out. But it was still fun.
Do you remember when our classmate made you cry after prom? I've still never completely forgiven him for making you feel that way.
Do you remember when the entire town flooded? We went to the park and decided that looking at the flood water wasn't enough. So we rolled up our jeans to our knees and walked two miles of the path on what used to be a nature trail through the forest, except in waist deep water. The water was dirty and we were concerned about leeches, but we didn't even care. One of my favorite adventures of all time.
Do you remember when we decided to drive up to the "best haunted house in the state?" We waited in line for probably 3 hours. When we finally got in, it actually kind of sucked. But I remember getting our tickets and sitting on the guardrail next to the ramp, waiting for them to call our numbers. Laughing and talking and quoting Family Guy to make the hours go by.
Do you remember when we went mini-golfing and you fell in the water trap? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We must have laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. The best part was when someone across the golf-course yelled "I got pictures!"
Do you remember when we stole a whole bunch of lunch trays from the MDR cafeteria to go sledding? Somebody's keys had come out of their pocket and gotten lost on the sled hill in the dark. The rest of us left to get flashlights, but instead got mozzarella sticks and hot-chocolate and decided "it's too cold, and he's an idiot."
Do you remember when you got a bunch of us together to drive out to the countryside? You wanted to take us to go see the fireflies because there were thousands of them lighting up the pitch black night. Then a park authority came by, and we all decided to hide... poorly. We had to take two cars full of people to get there, so I don't know how we thought we'd get away with that. He yelled at us for being in the park after closing time and made us leave.
Do you remember sitting at Denny's at midnight to come up with good prank ideas? We were there until 3 AM, and I had so many vanilla cokes that I didn't sleep the whole night.
Do you remember the time when we decided that it would be a good idea to walk to Culvers at 9:30 PM when they closed at 10? It never seemed that far away when we were driving past it, but actually walking just barely got us there in time. It was extremely humid and we had blisters on our feet because we were walking through fairly deep gravel in flip-flops.
Do you remember when you found out that your office was closing and you were getting laid off? We got the cheese sticks from Toppers and hung out in your office, which was severely lacking in furniture, complaining very vocally about the whole ordeal. You also tried convincing me to do a shot of straight garlic butter sauce. I promptly declined.
Do you remember when we used to try and get together during our lunch breaks? I only had a half hour, and with the driving time and the irregularity of your lunch schedule, we only ended up getting to sit and talk for three to five minutes. Somehow, it was still fun. And I miss it.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Teeth
I have always placed a lot of emphasis on the science of dreaming. To me, it offers a glimpse into someone's subconscious without the burden of their conscious mind getting in the way and tainting what all the information means. Generally, the information is offered up in a way that's so veiled that the dreamer can't distinguish the meaning, and henceforth, won't leave out evidence of their feelings and emotions that they might otherwise hide. When you're analyzing somebody's dreams, I believe that the dream offers pure insight into the dreamer's mental state, and especially into the parts of it that the dreamer himself isn't even aware of. The whole system of mental faculties surrounding dreams fascinates me.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Drawing Board
I wrote about this a couple of weeks back, but I've been using my recent life changes to bring about a "return to form," if you will. This may seem like a tangent, but stay with me.
Earlier this year, I went to see Demetri Martin perform stand-up, and after the show he came back out and talked with the audience for an hour. One of his stories was talking about how since he's such a geek and wanted to live his life to the fullest, he had actually devised a "point system" for his day-to-day life. He made a list of things he would like to do more, and things that made him happy, and assigned each one a point value. He would spend every day trying to acquire as many points as he could. Not because they were worth anything as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but because he could look back over his days with fulfillment.
That idea resonated very deeply with me. I function much better with anything in my life if there's some kind of system in place. I've also been very "play" motivated. I like to turn mundane things into little games for myself, otherwise I will not be inclined to do them. It's sort of a personal frailty. But I always find myself sitting at home after work, thinking "What should I do tonight?" Then by the time I have an idea, it's usually too late in the evening to act on it. So I'll swear at myself for wasting another day, and then end up doing it again the next day. I decided this type of behavior has to stop. I am always too fixated on the future and I forget to enjoy every day, because at the end when I'm looking back, that's all I'm really going to have is those memories.
A month or so ago I did something very similar to Demetri Martin. I took a personal inventory of all the things I like. Hobbies, people I like to spend time with, places I like to go, stuff I need to catch up on (reading/TV shows/games). I'm even talking about things I haven't done in years, like lap swimming or sketching or taking a bike trip. I put them all in an Excel table and wrote down the date (usually an approximate) for the last time I did that item. I also gave each one a timeframe, whether it was something I could do in a couple of hours (like after work), if it took all day, or if it took a full weekend.
I sorted it so that the thing I've done the longest ago is always at the top. Then I go down the list until I find one that corresponds with how much free time I have at that moment. Yesterday I noticed with the help of this chart that I haven't gone on a photography excursion for many months. So, I called my dad, and I set one up. And just like that, I had some adventure again. If left to my own devices, I probably would have just sat around all day. And yes, I realize I'm a nerd.
The last couple of years I've felt as though I've been losing my grip on who I am. I'm determined not to let that happen, and cheesy though it may sound, I hope this list is going to help me keep things in perspective and balance my life out again. Sometimes it's the simple things that make all the difference.
And by the way, the reason that I haven't written for a couple weeks is simple. Lia and I broke up, so I took some time off from the Blogosphere. (I hate that word.) There were a lot of reasons for it, but I don't really want to get into that. Unfortunately, we just signed that lease on our apartment, so we are stuck there until next June.
Earlier this year, I went to see Demetri Martin perform stand-up, and after the show he came back out and talked with the audience for an hour. One of his stories was talking about how since he's such a geek and wanted to live his life to the fullest, he had actually devised a "point system" for his day-to-day life. He made a list of things he would like to do more, and things that made him happy, and assigned each one a point value. He would spend every day trying to acquire as many points as he could. Not because they were worth anything as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but because he could look back over his days with fulfillment.
That idea resonated very deeply with me. I function much better with anything in my life if there's some kind of system in place. I've also been very "play" motivated. I like to turn mundane things into little games for myself, otherwise I will not be inclined to do them. It's sort of a personal frailty. But I always find myself sitting at home after work, thinking "What should I do tonight?" Then by the time I have an idea, it's usually too late in the evening to act on it. So I'll swear at myself for wasting another day, and then end up doing it again the next day. I decided this type of behavior has to stop. I am always too fixated on the future and I forget to enjoy every day, because at the end when I'm looking back, that's all I'm really going to have is those memories.
A month or so ago I did something very similar to Demetri Martin. I took a personal inventory of all the things I like. Hobbies, people I like to spend time with, places I like to go, stuff I need to catch up on (reading/TV shows/games). I'm even talking about things I haven't done in years, like lap swimming or sketching or taking a bike trip. I put them all in an Excel table and wrote down the date (usually an approximate) for the last time I did that item. I also gave each one a timeframe, whether it was something I could do in a couple of hours (like after work), if it took all day, or if it took a full weekend.
I sorted it so that the thing I've done the longest ago is always at the top. Then I go down the list until I find one that corresponds with how much free time I have at that moment. Yesterday I noticed with the help of this chart that I haven't gone on a photography excursion for many months. So, I called my dad, and I set one up. And just like that, I had some adventure again. If left to my own devices, I probably would have just sat around all day. And yes, I realize I'm a nerd.
The last couple of years I've felt as though I've been losing my grip on who I am. I'm determined not to let that happen, and cheesy though it may sound, I hope this list is going to help me keep things in perspective and balance my life out again. Sometimes it's the simple things that make all the difference.
And by the way, the reason that I haven't written for a couple weeks is simple. Lia and I broke up, so I took some time off from the Blogosphere. (I hate that word.) There were a lot of reasons for it, but I don't really want to get into that. Unfortunately, we just signed that lease on our apartment, so we are stuck there until next June.
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