I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but last night, Lia and I spent a great deal of time talking about emotions. More specifically, my emotional health. It helped me to realize a few things that I don't think I ever realized before.
The last several months, I've noticed an tremendous growth in people asking me whether or not I'm okay. I always thought it was a bit odd. While we all have our moments from day-to-day, I haven't considered myself depressed. So whenever I inquire further, people just tell me that I seem down, or distant, or that I've got things on my mind. There's something about me the last few months that's been apparent to everyone about my emotional state, except me. And I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt truly honest-to-God "happy" for more than a day at a time. Not happy, but not sad either... I guess that leaves me somewhere in the middle.
I feel like I've spent every day of my life waiting for "the next step." When I was in High School, I was waiting for College. In College I was waiting for a career in graphic design, and now I'm waiting for whatever's after that (whether it's dog-training or stock trading or any of the other stuff I've considered.) When I'm dating, I'm waiting for a relationship, and then an engagement, and then marriage. I was waiting for a dog, which I now have, and kids eventually. Even going from dorm to apartment to a house eventually.
I've noticed that I find myself so consumed with the end-game of it all, that I'm missing the journey along the way. I had always heard that expressed over the years, but I never thought I'd be the person who'd actually have that problem. I used to appreciate the little things, and I don't anymore. I could sit in the grass under a tree and enjoy a nice day and be happy, or sit at my old aquarium and watch the fish swim around and feel tranquil. I can't do that anymore. I always feel like I "should be doing something." And again, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not sad, because everyone seems to think that I am when I write a blog like this. I just feel dull. I feel like the world around me, and life in general has lost its flavor. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore. Like I'm seeing the world around me in shades of gray. That sounds corny, but I can't think of any other way to describe it.
Lia is amazing. We have an awesome home that I'm very fond of. I have a stable job that pays me well that I don't mind going to everyday. I have a network of very close friends who I can go to about any topic. I have a wonderful family who's very good to me. We even have an extremely well behaved puppy that loves us very much. I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But somehow, I'm just not happy. Content, perhaps. Apathetic and jaded, but certainly not sad.
So we discussed my personality as though it were its own separate entity for a little while. I think that the type of personality that I have is that of an Explorer. And I think that what's happening to me is that I feel like there's nothing left for me to explore. Of course, I realize that's not true. But my next steps are getting a house, getting engaged, and getting my dog training certification. I've made a long journey, like all of us have, but I feel like house and marriage and kids is where it stops. Obviously, I know that it doesn't, but I just feel like there's no new territory after that point. Nothing left to explore.
I've become painfully aware in the last year and a half or so that I need more adventure in my life. I think that's really what it boils down to. I want to go places I've never been before. See things I've never seen before. I want to say to myself "yesterday I had no idea that I would be standing here in this place right now." I think that's one of the reasons that I've taken such a liking to geocaching. It puts me in places I never thought I'd be. I want to go to new restaurants. I want to travel. I want to go outside because nature is always changing. I want to go everywhere that it's possible to go. I want to learn new things and meet new people. But then that raises a couple more problems. First of all, money. Money is a big one. But secondly, and more importantly, is that I don't feel like having any of these experiences is anywhere near as fulfilling without having a companion along the way. I want to make more memories. I want to be able to share the things in my life that I find fascinating with another human being. And I can't ever fully express that feeling to another person without them being there too.
Maybe what it really comes down to is that I miss having other people at my side, no matter what I'm up to or how little time I have to hang out. I miss people just "dropping by." Or saying "Hey, we're all doing such-and-such tonight. Wanna come?" But in the absence of all that, I've gotta learn how to keep myself happy without other people. Every activity that I used to enjoy is difficult for me to find myself being happy about doing.
Even reaching the end of this writing, I'm not sure where it leaves me. I'm trying to devise a list of things that I would like to do more frequently. Something that will let me spend more time with people, and/or fulfill my thirst for adventure. Something that will make life seem a little less gray.
