The sky was orange from the far-off city lights. I think that's what I'm going to remember the most. Clouds covered the sky as though they were large splatters of paint on a dark canvas. The two of us stood at the field on the top of the hill, letting the flames at our feet dwindle in the wind.
I suppose it goes without saying that we were both there for different reasons. He stood in silence watching the pages burn one after another, and as each one withered into ash and ember, I think it soothed his pain. But the hurt would stay hidden for the time-being. He was too stoic for that. He stared at the ground, watching the book slowly get eaten away. Instead, I focused on the sky. The clouds, the stars, the breeze, the temperature... It was all so very familiar and it brought me back to summers lost. One in particular.
But I didn't come there for closure or nostalgia. In fact, I didn't come there for me at all. But I realized that 12 AM looked exactly like 11:59 did the minute before. Different days, same moment. As such, the end of summer now looked exactly like the one I remember from years ago. The year may be different, but I was still locked in the same moment. People change. Times change. Friendships come and go. The power of human recognition never fails to amaze me. But standing in that moment again felt like being back in time, watching the future that I've lived in the meantime stretching out before me; except this time if felt like some distant future instead of a memory. It felt like everything between then and now peeled away, and for just a moment, I held a small piece of innocence again. I had been offered a glimpse back to those times when I was filled with youthful exuberance and optimism, believing that years in the future, I will have found my place and my freedom. I felt like I had a destiny, waiting for me out there somewhere.
It's a funny thing to have the weight of your memories crashing upon you all at once. It makes the rest of your life seem trite and inconsequential next to those halcyon days that you'll never truly get to live through again. If I ever had the opportunity to trade in everything I've accomplished to go back to those moments... Well, sometimes I can't promise I wouldn't do it.
He stomped out the last vestiges of the fire below, scattering a thousand tiny remnants into the wind. I took one last look at the world around me; a scene from a memory that I may not ever see again. But it was there, and I had to take stock of it. The cold night crept in again and I began to realize that it truly was turning into autumn, no matter how much I wanted to hang on. We turned and started to descend the hill, and though I came with nothing, I left behind another wasted summer.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Once
Do you remember the time the power went out? I sat on the lawn watching the storms roll in and lightning streak across the sky. I kept hoping that you would call. I was going to give you a poem I had written for you by candlelight. But you never called. I threw it away.
Do you remember when we rode our bikes 20 miles just to go to Dairy Queen? I never felt like I had earned a meal as much as that afternoon. The worst part was riding them all the way back after just eating at Dairy Queen.
Do you remember the night you asked me if I had feelings for you? I lied to you, because you were with somebody else. I wish I had said "yes" anyway. I wonder if it would have changed anything.
Do you remember when we freed the raccoon that was stuck in the garbage can in the middle of the night? It was whimpering, and at first we had no idea where the noise was coming from. When we eventually peered into the garbage can, it was staring back with big mournful eyes. Together, we lifted the garbage can and tilted it to let the little guy go free. He ran off into the night and looked back just once, as if to say "thank you."
Do you remember the long walk home from your friend's house that cold night in January? We saw a shooting star, and you told me to make a wish. I still remember what I wished for. It never came true.
Do you remember when I picked you up so we could go to that birthday party? You and I had one of the craziest conversations I think I've ever had. (And that's saying something.) When we got there, you guys all decided it would be funny to smoosh leftover frosting and cake in my hair. It took me two days to get all the blue coloring out. But it was still fun.
Do you remember when our classmate made you cry after prom? I've still never completely forgiven him for making you feel that way.
Do you remember when the entire town flooded? We went to the park and decided that looking at the flood water wasn't enough. So we rolled up our jeans to our knees and walked two miles of the path on what used to be a nature trail through the forest, except in waist deep water. The water was dirty and we were concerned about leeches, but we didn't even care. One of my favorite adventures of all time.
Do you remember when we decided to drive up to the "best haunted house in the state?" We waited in line for probably 3 hours. When we finally got in, it actually kind of sucked. But I remember getting our tickets and sitting on the guardrail next to the ramp, waiting for them to call our numbers. Laughing and talking and quoting Family Guy to make the hours go by.
Do you remember when we went mini-golfing and you fell in the water trap? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We must have laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. The best part was when someone across the golf-course yelled "I got pictures!"
Do you remember when we stole a whole bunch of lunch trays from the MDR cafeteria to go sledding? Somebody's keys had come out of their pocket and gotten lost on the sled hill in the dark. The rest of us left to get flashlights, but instead got mozzarella sticks and hot-chocolate and decided "it's too cold, and he's an idiot."
Do you remember when you got a bunch of us together to drive out to the countryside? You wanted to take us to go see the fireflies because there were thousands of them lighting up the pitch black night. Then a park authority came by, and we all decided to hide... poorly. We had to take two cars full of people to get there, so I don't know how we thought we'd get away with that. He yelled at us for being in the park after closing time and made us leave.
Do you remember sitting at Denny's at midnight to come up with good prank ideas? We were there until 3 AM, and I had so many vanilla cokes that I didn't sleep the whole night.
Do you remember the time when we decided that it would be a good idea to walk to Culvers at 9:30 PM when they closed at 10? It never seemed that far away when we were driving past it, but actually walking just barely got us there in time. It was extremely humid and we had blisters on our feet because we were walking through fairly deep gravel in flip-flops.
Do you remember when you found out that your office was closing and you were getting laid off? We got the cheese sticks from Toppers and hung out in your office, which was severely lacking in furniture, complaining very vocally about the whole ordeal. You also tried convincing me to do a shot of straight garlic butter sauce. I promptly declined.
Do you remember when we used to try and get together during our lunch breaks? I only had a half hour, and with the driving time and the irregularity of your lunch schedule, we only ended up getting to sit and talk for three to five minutes. Somehow, it was still fun. And I miss it.
Do you remember when we rode our bikes 20 miles just to go to Dairy Queen? I never felt like I had earned a meal as much as that afternoon. The worst part was riding them all the way back after just eating at Dairy Queen.
Do you remember the night you asked me if I had feelings for you? I lied to you, because you were with somebody else. I wish I had said "yes" anyway. I wonder if it would have changed anything.
Do you remember when we freed the raccoon that was stuck in the garbage can in the middle of the night? It was whimpering, and at first we had no idea where the noise was coming from. When we eventually peered into the garbage can, it was staring back with big mournful eyes. Together, we lifted the garbage can and tilted it to let the little guy go free. He ran off into the night and looked back just once, as if to say "thank you."
Do you remember the long walk home from your friend's house that cold night in January? We saw a shooting star, and you told me to make a wish. I still remember what I wished for. It never came true.
Do you remember when I picked you up so we could go to that birthday party? You and I had one of the craziest conversations I think I've ever had. (And that's saying something.) When we got there, you guys all decided it would be funny to smoosh leftover frosting and cake in my hair. It took me two days to get all the blue coloring out. But it was still fun.
Do you remember when our classmate made you cry after prom? I've still never completely forgiven him for making you feel that way.
Do you remember when the entire town flooded? We went to the park and decided that looking at the flood water wasn't enough. So we rolled up our jeans to our knees and walked two miles of the path on what used to be a nature trail through the forest, except in waist deep water. The water was dirty and we were concerned about leeches, but we didn't even care. One of my favorite adventures of all time.
Do you remember when we decided to drive up to the "best haunted house in the state?" We waited in line for probably 3 hours. When we finally got in, it actually kind of sucked. But I remember getting our tickets and sitting on the guardrail next to the ramp, waiting for them to call our numbers. Laughing and talking and quoting Family Guy to make the hours go by.
Do you remember when we went mini-golfing and you fell in the water trap? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We must have laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. The best part was when someone across the golf-course yelled "I got pictures!"
Do you remember when we stole a whole bunch of lunch trays from the MDR cafeteria to go sledding? Somebody's keys had come out of their pocket and gotten lost on the sled hill in the dark. The rest of us left to get flashlights, but instead got mozzarella sticks and hot-chocolate and decided "it's too cold, and he's an idiot."
Do you remember when you got a bunch of us together to drive out to the countryside? You wanted to take us to go see the fireflies because there were thousands of them lighting up the pitch black night. Then a park authority came by, and we all decided to hide... poorly. We had to take two cars full of people to get there, so I don't know how we thought we'd get away with that. He yelled at us for being in the park after closing time and made us leave.
Do you remember sitting at Denny's at midnight to come up with good prank ideas? We were there until 3 AM, and I had so many vanilla cokes that I didn't sleep the whole night.
Do you remember the time when we decided that it would be a good idea to walk to Culvers at 9:30 PM when they closed at 10? It never seemed that far away when we were driving past it, but actually walking just barely got us there in time. It was extremely humid and we had blisters on our feet because we were walking through fairly deep gravel in flip-flops.
Do you remember when you found out that your office was closing and you were getting laid off? We got the cheese sticks from Toppers and hung out in your office, which was severely lacking in furniture, complaining very vocally about the whole ordeal. You also tried convincing me to do a shot of straight garlic butter sauce. I promptly declined.
Do you remember when we used to try and get together during our lunch breaks? I only had a half hour, and with the driving time and the irregularity of your lunch schedule, we only ended up getting to sit and talk for three to five minutes. Somehow, it was still fun. And I miss it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Teeth
I have always placed a lot of emphasis on the science of dreaming. To me, it offers a glimpse into someone's subconscious without the burden of their conscious mind getting in the way and tainting what all the information means. Generally, the information is offered up in a way that's so veiled that the dreamer can't distinguish the meaning, and henceforth, won't leave out evidence of their feelings and emotions that they might otherwise hide. When you're analyzing somebody's dreams, I believe that the dream offers pure insight into the dreamer's mental state, and especially into the parts of it that the dreamer himself isn't even aware of. The whole system of mental faculties surrounding dreams fascinates me.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
For my entire life, there have been a few particular themes that creep up in my dreams over and over depending on what's happening in waking life. Over the last year, I've been contending with a string of dreams that always end with all of my teeth falling out. Bizarre, huh? In those moments before you wake up and you think it's really happening, it's one of the most disturbing things you can imagine. In the dream, I'll become aware that my teeth feel loose, and then I'll pull or push on one with my finger and it'll just start bleeding and fall out. You know that scene from "Stir of Echoes" where Kevin Bacon is looking in the mirror and he starts pulling his teeth out? That's what it looks and "feels" like. I'll get so uncomfortable, it'll usually be enough to wake me up and double check to make sure my teeth are still there. The worst part is that after waking up, I can still remember the "feeling" of my teeth coming out, the taste of copious amounts of blood, and worst of all cradling the entire mess in my hands in complete hopelessness.
From the being a fairly regular occurrence, those dreams have stopped in the last month. I've been doing some internet research to try and find some explanation here, but we all know how legit most of the internet is. I have noticed some common themes that seem to make some sense, as well as the explanation that these dreams are actually pretty common among people, so I post them here as a guidepost for anyone having a similar experience.
The main explanation seems to be feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, and abandonment. When your teeth fall out, there is often very little you can do about it. If my subconscious is worried about those issues, or notices them happening when my conscious mind is still unaware, this is how it would most likely be expressed. In the last year, there are very few times where I've felt like I've had control over certain aspects of my life. I've expressed this many times in past posts, but I generally feel like the world is moving along without me and I'm just trying to catch up.
Tooth loss dreams are also a sign of significant fear of humiliation. When I was speaking with a therapist a few months ago, we determined that fear is the reigning negative factor in my life. I've been showered with constant worry since I was a child. I was always told repeatedly about every possible bad outcome of every situation, and this just served to reinforce any phobias or nervousness I had about the world around me. Fast forward to middle and high school, where I lived the social-life of an awkward outcast, and was often embarrassed for the enjoyment of the "other" crowd. Follow that with being on the receiving end of an emotionally abusive relationship in high school and early college where she would use my fear against me as a form of controlling me through humiliation. Together, these experiences create a cocktail of hesitance, weakness, and fear that I'm still trying to overcome. The point being, that missing teeth is something that is embarrassing, and with my strong negative association for humiliation, this could be a glimpse of that fear hanging out somewhere in my subconscious, preying on me in ways that I may never be entirely aware of.
Teeth fall out, under normal circumstances, during periods of significant growth. First, when we lose our baby teeth, and again once we get old. This shows me that my subconscious is focusing on aging and the fear of growing old. As most of you know, the last few months have led me through a lot of soul-searching about my future and the goals I've set for myself along the way. One of my primary goals was to have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I ideally would like to have a year or two of marriage without kids, and another year or two of "dating" before getting married. I'm 25 now, so that means my time is running much shorter if I'm going to make this goal. I realize that over 30 isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's still frustrating when you can't accomplish what you've set out to do. This has been on my mind a lot lately too.
But the last month, things have been better. I feel like I have more control over my life, and confidence in myself, and I'm starting to make peace with the uncertainty of my future. I feel as though I've come a long way, and it appears as though my subconscious is starting to believe the same thing.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Drawing Board
I wrote about this a couple of weeks back, but I've been using my recent life changes to bring about a "return to form," if you will. This may seem like a tangent, but stay with me.
Earlier this year, I went to see Demetri Martin perform stand-up, and after the show he came back out and talked with the audience for an hour. One of his stories was talking about how since he's such a geek and wanted to live his life to the fullest, he had actually devised a "point system" for his day-to-day life. He made a list of things he would like to do more, and things that made him happy, and assigned each one a point value. He would spend every day trying to acquire as many points as he could. Not because they were worth anything as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but because he could look back over his days with fulfillment.
That idea resonated very deeply with me. I function much better with anything in my life if there's some kind of system in place. I've also been very "play" motivated. I like to turn mundane things into little games for myself, otherwise I will not be inclined to do them. It's sort of a personal frailty. But I always find myself sitting at home after work, thinking "What should I do tonight?" Then by the time I have an idea, it's usually too late in the evening to act on it. So I'll swear at myself for wasting another day, and then end up doing it again the next day. I decided this type of behavior has to stop. I am always too fixated on the future and I forget to enjoy every day, because at the end when I'm looking back, that's all I'm really going to have is those memories.
A month or so ago I did something very similar to Demetri Martin. I took a personal inventory of all the things I like. Hobbies, people I like to spend time with, places I like to go, stuff I need to catch up on (reading/TV shows/games). I'm even talking about things I haven't done in years, like lap swimming or sketching or taking a bike trip. I put them all in an Excel table and wrote down the date (usually an approximate) for the last time I did that item. I also gave each one a timeframe, whether it was something I could do in a couple of hours (like after work), if it took all day, or if it took a full weekend.
I sorted it so that the thing I've done the longest ago is always at the top. Then I go down the list until I find one that corresponds with how much free time I have at that moment. Yesterday I noticed with the help of this chart that I haven't gone on a photography excursion for many months. So, I called my dad, and I set one up. And just like that, I had some adventure again. If left to my own devices, I probably would have just sat around all day. And yes, I realize I'm a nerd.
The last couple of years I've felt as though I've been losing my grip on who I am. I'm determined not to let that happen, and cheesy though it may sound, I hope this list is going to help me keep things in perspective and balance my life out again. Sometimes it's the simple things that make all the difference.
And by the way, the reason that I haven't written for a couple weeks is simple. Lia and I broke up, so I took some time off from the Blogosphere. (I hate that word.) There were a lot of reasons for it, but I don't really want to get into that. Unfortunately, we just signed that lease on our apartment, so we are stuck there until next June.
Earlier this year, I went to see Demetri Martin perform stand-up, and after the show he came back out and talked with the audience for an hour. One of his stories was talking about how since he's such a geek and wanted to live his life to the fullest, he had actually devised a "point system" for his day-to-day life. He made a list of things he would like to do more, and things that made him happy, and assigned each one a point value. He would spend every day trying to acquire as many points as he could. Not because they were worth anything as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but because he could look back over his days with fulfillment.
That idea resonated very deeply with me. I function much better with anything in my life if there's some kind of system in place. I've also been very "play" motivated. I like to turn mundane things into little games for myself, otherwise I will not be inclined to do them. It's sort of a personal frailty. But I always find myself sitting at home after work, thinking "What should I do tonight?" Then by the time I have an idea, it's usually too late in the evening to act on it. So I'll swear at myself for wasting another day, and then end up doing it again the next day. I decided this type of behavior has to stop. I am always too fixated on the future and I forget to enjoy every day, because at the end when I'm looking back, that's all I'm really going to have is those memories.
A month or so ago I did something very similar to Demetri Martin. I took a personal inventory of all the things I like. Hobbies, people I like to spend time with, places I like to go, stuff I need to catch up on (reading/TV shows/games). I'm even talking about things I haven't done in years, like lap swimming or sketching or taking a bike trip. I put them all in an Excel table and wrote down the date (usually an approximate) for the last time I did that item. I also gave each one a timeframe, whether it was something I could do in a couple of hours (like after work), if it took all day, or if it took a full weekend.
I sorted it so that the thing I've done the longest ago is always at the top. Then I go down the list until I find one that corresponds with how much free time I have at that moment. Yesterday I noticed with the help of this chart that I haven't gone on a photography excursion for many months. So, I called my dad, and I set one up. And just like that, I had some adventure again. If left to my own devices, I probably would have just sat around all day. And yes, I realize I'm a nerd.
The last couple of years I've felt as though I've been losing my grip on who I am. I'm determined not to let that happen, and cheesy though it may sound, I hope this list is going to help me keep things in perspective and balance my life out again. Sometimes it's the simple things that make all the difference.
And by the way, the reason that I haven't written for a couple weeks is simple. Lia and I broke up, so I took some time off from the Blogosphere. (I hate that word.) There were a lot of reasons for it, but I don't really want to get into that. Unfortunately, we just signed that lease on our apartment, so we are stuck there until next June.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Colorless
I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but last night, Lia and I spent a great deal of time talking about emotions. More specifically, my emotional health. It helped me to realize a few things that I don't think I ever realized before.
The last several months, I've noticed an tremendous growth in people asking me whether or not I'm okay. I always thought it was a bit odd. While we all have our moments from day-to-day, I haven't considered myself depressed. So whenever I inquire further, people just tell me that I seem down, or distant, or that I've got things on my mind. There's something about me the last few months that's been apparent to everyone about my emotional state, except me. And I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt truly honest-to-God "happy" for more than a day at a time. Not happy, but not sad either... I guess that leaves me somewhere in the middle.
I feel like I've spent every day of my life waiting for "the next step." When I was in High School, I was waiting for College. In College I was waiting for a career in graphic design, and now I'm waiting for whatever's after that (whether it's dog-training or stock trading or any of the other stuff I've considered.) When I'm dating, I'm waiting for a relationship, and then an engagement, and then marriage. I was waiting for a dog, which I now have, and kids eventually. Even going from dorm to apartment to a house eventually.
I've noticed that I find myself so consumed with the end-game of it all, that I'm missing the journey along the way. I had always heard that expressed over the years, but I never thought I'd be the person who'd actually have that problem. I used to appreciate the little things, and I don't anymore. I could sit in the grass under a tree and enjoy a nice day and be happy, or sit at my old aquarium and watch the fish swim around and feel tranquil. I can't do that anymore. I always feel like I "should be doing something." And again, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not sad, because everyone seems to think that I am when I write a blog like this. I just feel dull. I feel like the world around me, and life in general has lost its flavor. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore. Like I'm seeing the world around me in shades of gray. That sounds corny, but I can't think of any other way to describe it.
Lia is amazing. We have an awesome home that I'm very fond of. I have a stable job that pays me well that I don't mind going to everyday. I have a network of very close friends who I can go to about any topic. I have a wonderful family who's very good to me. We even have an extremely well behaved puppy that loves us very much. I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But somehow, I'm just not happy. Content, perhaps. Apathetic and jaded, but certainly not sad.
So we discussed my personality as though it were its own separate entity for a little while. I think that the type of personality that I have is that of an Explorer. And I think that what's happening to me is that I feel like there's nothing left for me to explore. Of course, I realize that's not true. But my next steps are getting a house, getting engaged, and getting my dog training certification. I've made a long journey, like all of us have, but I feel like house and marriage and kids is where it stops. Obviously, I know that it doesn't, but I just feel like there's no new territory after that point. Nothing left to explore.
I've become painfully aware in the last year and a half or so that I need more adventure in my life. I think that's really what it boils down to. I want to go places I've never been before. See things I've never seen before. I want to say to myself "yesterday I had no idea that I would be standing here in this place right now." I think that's one of the reasons that I've taken such a liking to geocaching. It puts me in places I never thought I'd be. I want to go to new restaurants. I want to travel. I want to go outside because nature is always changing. I want to go everywhere that it's possible to go. I want to learn new things and meet new people. But then that raises a couple more problems. First of all, money. Money is a big one. But secondly, and more importantly, is that I don't feel like having any of these experiences is anywhere near as fulfilling without having a companion along the way. I want to make more memories. I want to be able to share the things in my life that I find fascinating with another human being. And I can't ever fully express that feeling to another person without them being there too.
Maybe what it really comes down to is that I miss having other people at my side, no matter what I'm up to or how little time I have to hang out. I miss people just "dropping by." Or saying "Hey, we're all doing such-and-such tonight. Wanna come?" But in the absence of all that, I've gotta learn how to keep myself happy without other people. Every activity that I used to enjoy is difficult for me to find myself being happy about doing.
Even reaching the end of this writing, I'm not sure where it leaves me. I'm trying to devise a list of things that I would like to do more frequently. Something that will let me spend more time with people, and/or fulfill my thirst for adventure. Something that will make life seem a little less gray.
The last several months, I've noticed an tremendous growth in people asking me whether or not I'm okay. I always thought it was a bit odd. While we all have our moments from day-to-day, I haven't considered myself depressed. So whenever I inquire further, people just tell me that I seem down, or distant, or that I've got things on my mind. There's something about me the last few months that's been apparent to everyone about my emotional state, except me. And I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt truly honest-to-God "happy" for more than a day at a time. Not happy, but not sad either... I guess that leaves me somewhere in the middle.
I feel like I've spent every day of my life waiting for "the next step." When I was in High School, I was waiting for College. In College I was waiting for a career in graphic design, and now I'm waiting for whatever's after that (whether it's dog-training or stock trading or any of the other stuff I've considered.) When I'm dating, I'm waiting for a relationship, and then an engagement, and then marriage. I was waiting for a dog, which I now have, and kids eventually. Even going from dorm to apartment to a house eventually.
I've noticed that I find myself so consumed with the end-game of it all, that I'm missing the journey along the way. I had always heard that expressed over the years, but I never thought I'd be the person who'd actually have that problem. I used to appreciate the little things, and I don't anymore. I could sit in the grass under a tree and enjoy a nice day and be happy, or sit at my old aquarium and watch the fish swim around and feel tranquil. I can't do that anymore. I always feel like I "should be doing something." And again, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not sad, because everyone seems to think that I am when I write a blog like this. I just feel dull. I feel like the world around me, and life in general has lost its flavor. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore. Like I'm seeing the world around me in shades of gray. That sounds corny, but I can't think of any other way to describe it.
Lia is amazing. We have an awesome home that I'm very fond of. I have a stable job that pays me well that I don't mind going to everyday. I have a network of very close friends who I can go to about any topic. I have a wonderful family who's very good to me. We even have an extremely well behaved puppy that loves us very much. I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But somehow, I'm just not happy. Content, perhaps. Apathetic and jaded, but certainly not sad.
So we discussed my personality as though it were its own separate entity for a little while. I think that the type of personality that I have is that of an Explorer. And I think that what's happening to me is that I feel like there's nothing left for me to explore. Of course, I realize that's not true. But my next steps are getting a house, getting engaged, and getting my dog training certification. I've made a long journey, like all of us have, but I feel like house and marriage and kids is where it stops. Obviously, I know that it doesn't, but I just feel like there's no new territory after that point. Nothing left to explore.
I've become painfully aware in the last year and a half or so that I need more adventure in my life. I think that's really what it boils down to. I want to go places I've never been before. See things I've never seen before. I want to say to myself "yesterday I had no idea that I would be standing here in this place right now." I think that's one of the reasons that I've taken such a liking to geocaching. It puts me in places I never thought I'd be. I want to go to new restaurants. I want to travel. I want to go outside because nature is always changing. I want to go everywhere that it's possible to go. I want to learn new things and meet new people. But then that raises a couple more problems. First of all, money. Money is a big one. But secondly, and more importantly, is that I don't feel like having any of these experiences is anywhere near as fulfilling without having a companion along the way. I want to make more memories. I want to be able to share the things in my life that I find fascinating with another human being. And I can't ever fully express that feeling to another person without them being there too.
Maybe what it really comes down to is that I miss having other people at my side, no matter what I'm up to or how little time I have to hang out. I miss people just "dropping by." Or saying "Hey, we're all doing such-and-such tonight. Wanna come?" But in the absence of all that, I've gotta learn how to keep myself happy without other people. Every activity that I used to enjoy is difficult for me to find myself being happy about doing.
Even reaching the end of this writing, I'm not sure where it leaves me. I'm trying to devise a list of things that I would like to do more frequently. Something that will let me spend more time with people, and/or fulfill my thirst for adventure. Something that will make life seem a little less gray.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dodging Bullets
Moving was an unbelievable pain. Of course, there are moving stories. Our lives are never complete without a few days worth of wondering "who else does this happen to?"
Saturday morning started with me pulling something in my back, which was fun to nurse all day while carrying heavy boxes. We were also out one car for the move because Lia's car suddenly wouldn't shift out of park, so she had to call AAA to get her to the mechanic, and that repair will cost her about $150. Cable install took about 3 hours and the cable guy had to call for backup and his supervisor said this was the most difficult assignment he's had in his 6 years on the job. Since our duplex is in a historical house that is over 100 years old, it was sided with some weird slate tile stuff that they don't make anymore. One of the cable guys accidentally drilled through an outside wall and it SHATTERED the siding in that area. So the landlords got into an altercation with them. (But the good news is that I don't think we have to pay our install fee.)
Then in the last HOUR we were cleaning out the old place, the kitchen sink started belching up icky black stuff and we can't get it to drain anymore. We plunged it, we used Draino, we tried everything. Still won’t drain. Of course, this would happen on our last hour.
And now comes the pinnacle of our stupid decisions. In fact, this might be one of the stupidest decisions we've EVER made. You ready for this?
Remember that duplex that we pulled out of at the beginning of the month? (Go back and read about it, if you don't.) We’re still waiting to get the other half of our security deposit back. So we called Wendi and she gave us a sob story about how nobody’s calling about the place, and she’s so poor because it’s not rented that they’re going to have to declare bankruptcy and that if it’s not rented by July 15th they’ll have to keep our deposit. She’s offered it to three people and they’ve all turned her down and was talking about how she’s computer illiterate so she's not trying to blow us off because she wouldn't be able to get Lia's number out of her phone if she tried. So then Lia looks at me after the phone call and says “I’ve got a crazy idea. Since she said she’s computer illiterate, why don’t we put it up on Craigslist with her phone number?” So I remarked that this is one of those situations where everybody wins. They’d get a lot more interest considering that they’ve got more advertising than the one sign outside. We’d get our security deposit back. They’re out of debt. Everybody wins. What on earth were we thinking?
So we made an ad. And it was a good ad. Pictures and everything. It was late at night by the time we decided to do this, and it sounds like a really stupid idea now, but it sounded great at 11 pm when our brains were mush from the stress of moving. We were going to call Wendi back in the morning and see if she wanted it edited or taken down or what-have-you. Well, then the next morning came. And we forgot, because we were too busy tripping over boxes and forgetting that it was trash day. Oopsies.
An email from Lia comes in at some point during the work day, saying that Wendi’s called her like 5 times without leaving a message. Lia called her back and Wendi told her that her niece found the ad online and thought it was horrible, and that she had been getting calls from “riff-raff” all day. Lia told her that we were just trying to help, and that she erased it. Wendi told her the police have been contacted.
I finally got in touch with Wendi after playing phone tag for a while. I told her that I was a little confused about what was going on because Lia wasn’t available to call since she was working. So Wendi told me her side of the story, which was basically just that she started getting a terrifying amount of calls, and people started stopping into the house when she was alone there and texting her and all that kind of stuff, and that people were just offering to take it over the phone without even seeing the place. Sounds like a lot of sketchy activity. She called Craigslist and they did some research and found out that Lia had posted the ad, and so Wendi filed a complaint. So then I told her OUR side of the story and how it sounded like a situation where everybody wins and we were just trying to help. I also apologized profusely.
I’ve noticed when talking to Wendi, it’s not a conversation as much as it is that she’s talking at you, so this whole bit is her just “talking at me.” She scolded me (seriously, like in a “mom voice” and everything) and said that the reason she doesn’t have anything posted online is because she’s very picky about who she rents to and the kind of people who just see it online are lazy because they aren’t putting forth the effort to drive around, and she doesn’t think that they will take care of the place like they did. She complained about how she’s really trying and she’s in a really rough spot because before this all happened they had just put their house up for sale, so they’re broke because they wouldn't have done that if they knew we weren't going to be renting and she doesn’t feel like we are appreciating all of her hard work trying to get this rented. She said again that she has a legal right to the security deposit money because they never gave us receipts so it’s our word against hers, though since we wrote “security deposit” on our checks, it could be implied in the court room as our intent to rent, and then it wouldn’t matter whether or not we signed the lease because that still counts as some kind of a verbal contract. She said most landlords wouldn’t even have given half of it back. Then she told me how she feels like she’s being very fair with this entire process and she’s pissed that we've brought up legal action about the security deposit on more than one occasion.
I told her that I know she’s been putting in the hard-work because this sucks for all of us. I reiterated that we were just trying to help and we came to the agreement that she won’t press charges for this as long as we stop bringing up the legality of whether or not she's entitled to our money without a signed lease. She said she’s still going to try and get us our money back if it’s rented by July 15th, but she can’t make any promises that that’ll happen. After that, it’ll depend what’s going on with their money situation because of the home sale and everything. I made a suggestion for a location for her to move the For Rent sign, because it was in a place that I don’t think it was able to be seen very well, and she said she would move it immediately. I thanked her for all her hard work, which she said she appreciates, and she said she’d be in touch if it gets rented or July 15th comes. At least it ended on a better note.
I do not think the "police" had really been contacted. I think she meant that the Craigslist people had been contacted.
Live and learn, kids. Whenever you have a important decision that needs to be made, sleep on it. Ask people's permission BEFORE trying to help them, not afterwards, because they might not appreciate it. The best of intentions have often led to worst results. And the best way to handle conflicts is with peaceful resolution, not shaking your fist over your head.
Saturday morning started with me pulling something in my back, which was fun to nurse all day while carrying heavy boxes. We were also out one car for the move because Lia's car suddenly wouldn't shift out of park, so she had to call AAA to get her to the mechanic, and that repair will cost her about $150. Cable install took about 3 hours and the cable guy had to call for backup and his supervisor said this was the most difficult assignment he's had in his 6 years on the job. Since our duplex is in a historical house that is over 100 years old, it was sided with some weird slate tile stuff that they don't make anymore. One of the cable guys accidentally drilled through an outside wall and it SHATTERED the siding in that area. So the landlords got into an altercation with them. (But the good news is that I don't think we have to pay our install fee.)
Then in the last HOUR we were cleaning out the old place, the kitchen sink started belching up icky black stuff and we can't get it to drain anymore. We plunged it, we used Draino, we tried everything. Still won’t drain. Of course, this would happen on our last hour.
And now comes the pinnacle of our stupid decisions. In fact, this might be one of the stupidest decisions we've EVER made. You ready for this?
Remember that duplex that we pulled out of at the beginning of the month? (Go back and read about it, if you don't.) We’re still waiting to get the other half of our security deposit back. So we called Wendi and she gave us a sob story about how nobody’s calling about the place, and she’s so poor because it’s not rented that they’re going to have to declare bankruptcy and that if it’s not rented by July 15th they’ll have to keep our deposit. She’s offered it to three people and they’ve all turned her down and was talking about how she’s computer illiterate so she's not trying to blow us off because she wouldn't be able to get Lia's number out of her phone if she tried. So then Lia looks at me after the phone call and says “I’ve got a crazy idea. Since she said she’s computer illiterate, why don’t we put it up on Craigslist with her phone number?” So I remarked that this is one of those situations where everybody wins. They’d get a lot more interest considering that they’ve got more advertising than the one sign outside. We’d get our security deposit back. They’re out of debt. Everybody wins. What on earth were we thinking?
So we made an ad. And it was a good ad. Pictures and everything. It was late at night by the time we decided to do this, and it sounds like a really stupid idea now, but it sounded great at 11 pm when our brains were mush from the stress of moving. We were going to call Wendi back in the morning and see if she wanted it edited or taken down or what-have-you. Well, then the next morning came. And we forgot, because we were too busy tripping over boxes and forgetting that it was trash day. Oopsies.
An email from Lia comes in at some point during the work day, saying that Wendi’s called her like 5 times without leaving a message. Lia called her back and Wendi told her that her niece found the ad online and thought it was horrible, and that she had been getting calls from “riff-raff” all day. Lia told her that we were just trying to help, and that she erased it. Wendi told her the police have been contacted.
I finally got in touch with Wendi after playing phone tag for a while. I told her that I was a little confused about what was going on because Lia wasn’t available to call since she was working. So Wendi told me her side of the story, which was basically just that she started getting a terrifying amount of calls, and people started stopping into the house when she was alone there and texting her and all that kind of stuff, and that people were just offering to take it over the phone without even seeing the place. Sounds like a lot of sketchy activity. She called Craigslist and they did some research and found out that Lia had posted the ad, and so Wendi filed a complaint. So then I told her OUR side of the story and how it sounded like a situation where everybody wins and we were just trying to help. I also apologized profusely.
I’ve noticed when talking to Wendi, it’s not a conversation as much as it is that she’s talking at you, so this whole bit is her just “talking at me.” She scolded me (seriously, like in a “mom voice” and everything) and said that the reason she doesn’t have anything posted online is because she’s very picky about who she rents to and the kind of people who just see it online are lazy because they aren’t putting forth the effort to drive around, and she doesn’t think that they will take care of the place like they did. She complained about how she’s really trying and she’s in a really rough spot because before this all happened they had just put their house up for sale, so they’re broke because they wouldn't have done that if they knew we weren't going to be renting and she doesn’t feel like we are appreciating all of her hard work trying to get this rented. She said again that she has a legal right to the security deposit money because they never gave us receipts so it’s our word against hers, though since we wrote “security deposit” on our checks, it could be implied in the court room as our intent to rent, and then it wouldn’t matter whether or not we signed the lease because that still counts as some kind of a verbal contract. She said most landlords wouldn’t even have given half of it back. Then she told me how she feels like she’s being very fair with this entire process and she’s pissed that we've brought up legal action about the security deposit on more than one occasion.
I told her that I know she’s been putting in the hard-work because this sucks for all of us. I reiterated that we were just trying to help and we came to the agreement that she won’t press charges for this as long as we stop bringing up the legality of whether or not she's entitled to our money without a signed lease. She said she’s still going to try and get us our money back if it’s rented by July 15th, but she can’t make any promises that that’ll happen. After that, it’ll depend what’s going on with their money situation because of the home sale and everything. I made a suggestion for a location for her to move the For Rent sign, because it was in a place that I don’t think it was able to be seen very well, and she said she would move it immediately. I thanked her for all her hard work, which she said she appreciates, and she said she’d be in touch if it gets rented or July 15th comes. At least it ended on a better note.
I do not think the "police" had really been contacted. I think she meant that the Craigslist people had been contacted.
Live and learn, kids. Whenever you have a important decision that needs to be made, sleep on it. Ask people's permission BEFORE trying to help them, not afterwards, because they might not appreciate it. The best of intentions have often led to worst results. And the best way to handle conflicts is with peaceful resolution, not shaking your fist over your head.
Monday, June 14, 2010
My Sunshine and Rain
I spent yesterday alone.
While not quite rainy, the world through my windows was overcast and gloomy. On days like that, I tend to find myself acting quite a bit different than I usually would. Everything seems so much more significant when there's nobody watching, because it feels like the burden falls on me to make things happen. I realize that's ridiculous, but my awareness ends on the outskirts of my field of vision. Without anyone else around within that sphere to have an impact on the world around me, the world around me doesn't change. I often find myself just getting up and walking from room to room, sitting quietly and watching the world go by outside the windows, sometimes intentionally tapping on walls or furniture so that my environment doesn't linger in silence for too long. When I read that sentence over again to myself, it makes me sound like a crazy person. I used to enjoy having some time to myself, but sometimes it's strange how things imprint on you.
There was a span of a couple of months where I lived in what felt like total solitude. My closest non-work friend lived forty-five minutes away and the landlord wouldn't let me out of the lease after my roommate moved out. With my horribly underpaid wages, paying for the entire lease by myself, and gas being $4 a gallon at the time, I couldn't even drive out to see anyone without having to forego something important, like food. As a result of some pretty sudden and significant life changes, I was overcome with constant feelings of depression, inadequacy, and the more than anything, neglect.
When I looked out my window there, you couldn't see any sign of human civilization, all the way to the horizon. Just nature. I woke up every morning and went to sleep every night feeling like there was nobody else in the entire world, but me. Try to imagine, for a moment, what that feels like. You look out your window in most other places and you see other buildings or cars or people. Even seeing other people going on with their lives would have been a comfort. Somehow, even a passerby making eye contact with your building is a good validation that you exist in some form, or somehow matter to somebody. But when I looked out, I knew for certain that no one was looking back. And nobody ever would be. It's one thing to experience this for a few days, but four months really begins to have an adverse affect. At some point, it starts playing tricks on you, and makes you think illogical things. It makes you feel like nothing you do matters to anybody, and in many ways it doesn't, in that situation. I could have gotten in my car and left for weeks at a time, and other than my coworkers, not a soul would have known I was gone. Even when explaining my feelings to people, I don't think they ever truly understand how devastating it felt. It rained a lot that year. That's what I remember the most.
Days like yesterday remind me of that time. It calls up all those odd phobias and neuroses that make me feel a little lonely again. At one point, they were techniques I developed for emotional survival; small steps I could take to keep the loneliness at bay. Maybe that does make me a little crazy, I don't know anymore. And really, it's not the point anyway. I guess at the end of the day, it all boils down to appreciation. I don't feel alone anymore. I have a supportive network of friends who are always there for me and who are well within immediate driving distance. Some of which would probably drop everything if they knew I wasn't doing anything. And most of all, I have Lia. She's been such a positive influence in my life these past thirteen months. I have so much now that I didn't have back then, and I'm so thankful to have it.
Eventually, it did start to rain yesterday evening. For me, a reminder of those dark times. I decided to go out and buy her favorite flowers, and when she called to let me know she was coming home, I sat on the stairs with them, waiting for her to come home so I could surprise her. It was the least I could do.
While not quite rainy, the world through my windows was overcast and gloomy. On days like that, I tend to find myself acting quite a bit different than I usually would. Everything seems so much more significant when there's nobody watching, because it feels like the burden falls on me to make things happen. I realize that's ridiculous, but my awareness ends on the outskirts of my field of vision. Without anyone else around within that sphere to have an impact on the world around me, the world around me doesn't change. I often find myself just getting up and walking from room to room, sitting quietly and watching the world go by outside the windows, sometimes intentionally tapping on walls or furniture so that my environment doesn't linger in silence for too long. When I read that sentence over again to myself, it makes me sound like a crazy person. I used to enjoy having some time to myself, but sometimes it's strange how things imprint on you.
There was a span of a couple of months where I lived in what felt like total solitude. My closest non-work friend lived forty-five minutes away and the landlord wouldn't let me out of the lease after my roommate moved out. With my horribly underpaid wages, paying for the entire lease by myself, and gas being $4 a gallon at the time, I couldn't even drive out to see anyone without having to forego something important, like food. As a result of some pretty sudden and significant life changes, I was overcome with constant feelings of depression, inadequacy, and the more than anything, neglect.
When I looked out my window there, you couldn't see any sign of human civilization, all the way to the horizon. Just nature. I woke up every morning and went to sleep every night feeling like there was nobody else in the entire world, but me. Try to imagine, for a moment, what that feels like. You look out your window in most other places and you see other buildings or cars or people. Even seeing other people going on with their lives would have been a comfort. Somehow, even a passerby making eye contact with your building is a good validation that you exist in some form, or somehow matter to somebody. But when I looked out, I knew for certain that no one was looking back. And nobody ever would be. It's one thing to experience this for a few days, but four months really begins to have an adverse affect. At some point, it starts playing tricks on you, and makes you think illogical things. It makes you feel like nothing you do matters to anybody, and in many ways it doesn't, in that situation. I could have gotten in my car and left for weeks at a time, and other than my coworkers, not a soul would have known I was gone. Even when explaining my feelings to people, I don't think they ever truly understand how devastating it felt. It rained a lot that year. That's what I remember the most.
Days like yesterday remind me of that time. It calls up all those odd phobias and neuroses that make me feel a little lonely again. At one point, they were techniques I developed for emotional survival; small steps I could take to keep the loneliness at bay. Maybe that does make me a little crazy, I don't know anymore. And really, it's not the point anyway. I guess at the end of the day, it all boils down to appreciation. I don't feel alone anymore. I have a supportive network of friends who are always there for me and who are well within immediate driving distance. Some of which would probably drop everything if they knew I wasn't doing anything. And most of all, I have Lia. She's been such a positive influence in my life these past thirteen months. I have so much now that I didn't have back then, and I'm so thankful to have it.
Eventually, it did start to rain yesterday evening. For me, a reminder of those dark times. I decided to go out and buy her favorite flowers, and when she called to let me know she was coming home, I sat on the stairs with them, waiting for her to come home so I could surprise her. It was the least I could do.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Detour
We stopped in at the new duplex last week to bring boxes over, only to find a HUGE puddle in the basement and lots of water damage on the basement ceiling. Lia and I made a list of a bunch of other stuff that needed to be fixed before we move in. The fridge was leaking, ceiling tiles in the basement were caved in, the tube that connects to the washer/dryer is apparently not up to code because it's one of those flexi-duct things instead of a solid pipe. The previous tenants left a whole bunch of crap there (including a full litterbox) and a bunch of other crap in the basement. A lot of the walls need to be completely repainted, which we didn't notice the first time through because the previous tenants still had all their decorations up. And there was still no evidence that they were planning on putting in a dishwasher, which was a dealbreaker for us.
So, after puttering around in there for a while and taking measurements, we walked out the front door and were looking around the yard. The neighbor who would be living next-door to us came out and we introduced ourselves. The FIRST THING she said to us, was asking if there was water in the basement. We told her that there was quite a bit, and she said that this had been an on-going problem for at least three months. She's called the landlords over, and over, and over, and they refuse to do anything about it. The landlord had hired a couple of "fly-by-nights" (her words) to come and fix the gutters a couple of months ago and they made the problem worse. The landlords won't get it fixed unless they can get the same guys to come back and fix it, which they won't. She described the water pouring into her basement as "a waterfall" and said this has been going on this entire time.
Back-up, now. When we first toured the place, they had responded to our phone calls almost immediately. The tour was set up quickly, their offer to give us the place was quick, and our response was also quick. They said our next step was to sign the lease and give them our security deposit. After not hearing anything for like a week, and leaving repeated phone calls to try and set up a meeting to do this, they called Lia back to have her bring our security deposit to Wendi (the wife's) workplace. My memory's a little fuzzy here, but if I recall, she had apologized because some family member is in the hospital so she's been really busy, and she forgot the forms. Lia gave her our security deposit because they said they need someone in there immediately or else they would have to find someone else.
We continued to call to get the lease signed because it had been freaking us out a little to not have it in writing that we're renting it. We didn't think that they were going to suddenly rent it to someone else, but it was still making us a little nervous because this whole process has been HIGHLY abnormal. One day, Wendi called to inform us that she was leaving the keys and the forms at the property, and that we'd have to stop in and pick them up from the current tenant before he moves. We each tried stopping in over and over and the current tenants were never home so we couldn't pick anything up. Lia finally managed to get in and get the keys, but the forms weren't a lease or anything, just a rental application.
After literally WEEKS of not receiving feedback from the new landlords, along with the testimonial of the woman next door, the whole thing was just very weird to us and we were quite concerned last friday. We left her a message with all the stuff that needs to be fixed or installed before we sign the lease. We gave them all a couple days to respond, and we hadn't heard anything.
No lease was signed, no applications were filled out, and popular consensus was that we should BAIL as soon as possible. The only real collateral is that we had keys to the place and she had our security deposit checks already cashed. We decided that's what we were going to do. We tried getting in touch with Wendi three times that night, and even left her a message saying that we were pulling the plug and wanted our security deposit back. It's just a very worrisome pattern of behavior and we don't think we should have to deal with that if we can still get out.
The next morning, Lia tried calling her again. Wendi claimed she never got any of our messages that were telling her to call us and that we were backing out. Lia reiterated that we want out. Then Wendi started screaming at Lia, yelling things like "I'm the best landlord ever! How dare you not trust me! I'm a Christian so you know you can trust me, because that's my identity, but I'm going to keep your security deposit anyway!" and all this crazy bullshit. It was on speaker, so I could hear too. It was pretty intense. So she got her husband on the phone, who was much more calm, and we talked them into giving us half the security deposit back (which we have in our possession right now.) If they can get a renter in the next two weeks, they'll give us the other half. We exchanged the first half of the rent for the keys. We're prepared to just eat the cost of the second half if we need to.
We looked at a couple of other places. Most of them were "meh." One of them really stood out to us, and we really liked it, and we are honestly having trouble finding any flaws with it. The only issue we had was that it was listed at our limit that we set for what we could afford, but she is willing to drop the rent by like $50 a month for us! That actually puts it at the BOTTOM of our price range! Newly repainted, nice floors, brand new energy efficient windows, awesome deck and yard, new appliances, has it's own washer and dryer and dishwasher, huge bathroom (with a blue toilet!), one balcony and an extensive upper porch, lots of square footage, lots of closet space, they allow dogs and have two quiet ones downstairs, lots of windows and natural light, etc. We put in our applications yesterday. It's vacant right now, so she said we would be able to move in as soon as we'd like to. The landlords live downstairs and it's a couple in probably their late 20's. It's actually a three-floor house. We would be on the second floor. They said they turned the 3rd floor into their own personal movie theater, so maybe if we become friends we would get to use it too.
Provided we take the place of course, but we both really like it a LOT. We're trying to not be over-zealous though, because apparently that gets us into trouble. We're going to take a second walk-through either way to make sure. I'm sure I'll have an update on this soon.
So, after puttering around in there for a while and taking measurements, we walked out the front door and were looking around the yard. The neighbor who would be living next-door to us came out and we introduced ourselves. The FIRST THING she said to us, was asking if there was water in the basement. We told her that there was quite a bit, and she said that this had been an on-going problem for at least three months. She's called the landlords over, and over, and over, and they refuse to do anything about it. The landlord had hired a couple of "fly-by-nights" (her words) to come and fix the gutters a couple of months ago and they made the problem worse. The landlords won't get it fixed unless they can get the same guys to come back and fix it, which they won't. She described the water pouring into her basement as "a waterfall" and said this has been going on this entire time.
Back-up, now. When we first toured the place, they had responded to our phone calls almost immediately. The tour was set up quickly, their offer to give us the place was quick, and our response was also quick. They said our next step was to sign the lease and give them our security deposit. After not hearing anything for like a week, and leaving repeated phone calls to try and set up a meeting to do this, they called Lia back to have her bring our security deposit to Wendi (the wife's) workplace. My memory's a little fuzzy here, but if I recall, she had apologized because some family member is in the hospital so she's been really busy, and she forgot the forms. Lia gave her our security deposit because they said they need someone in there immediately or else they would have to find someone else.
We continued to call to get the lease signed because it had been freaking us out a little to not have it in writing that we're renting it. We didn't think that they were going to suddenly rent it to someone else, but it was still making us a little nervous because this whole process has been HIGHLY abnormal. One day, Wendi called to inform us that she was leaving the keys and the forms at the property, and that we'd have to stop in and pick them up from the current tenant before he moves. We each tried stopping in over and over and the current tenants were never home so we couldn't pick anything up. Lia finally managed to get in and get the keys, but the forms weren't a lease or anything, just a rental application.
After literally WEEKS of not receiving feedback from the new landlords, along with the testimonial of the woman next door, the whole thing was just very weird to us and we were quite concerned last friday. We left her a message with all the stuff that needs to be fixed or installed before we sign the lease. We gave them all a couple days to respond, and we hadn't heard anything.
No lease was signed, no applications were filled out, and popular consensus was that we should BAIL as soon as possible. The only real collateral is that we had keys to the place and she had our security deposit checks already cashed. We decided that's what we were going to do. We tried getting in touch with Wendi three times that night, and even left her a message saying that we were pulling the plug and wanted our security deposit back. It's just a very worrisome pattern of behavior and we don't think we should have to deal with that if we can still get out.
The next morning, Lia tried calling her again. Wendi claimed she never got any of our messages that were telling her to call us and that we were backing out. Lia reiterated that we want out. Then Wendi started screaming at Lia, yelling things like "I'm the best landlord ever! How dare you not trust me! I'm a Christian so you know you can trust me, because that's my identity, but I'm going to keep your security deposit anyway!" and all this crazy bullshit. It was on speaker, so I could hear too. It was pretty intense. So she got her husband on the phone, who was much more calm, and we talked them into giving us half the security deposit back (which we have in our possession right now.) If they can get a renter in the next two weeks, they'll give us the other half. We exchanged the first half of the rent for the keys. We're prepared to just eat the cost of the second half if we need to.
We looked at a couple of other places. Most of them were "meh." One of them really stood out to us, and we really liked it, and we are honestly having trouble finding any flaws with it. The only issue we had was that it was listed at our limit that we set for what we could afford, but she is willing to drop the rent by like $50 a month for us! That actually puts it at the BOTTOM of our price range! Newly repainted, nice floors, brand new energy efficient windows, awesome deck and yard, new appliances, has it's own washer and dryer and dishwasher, huge bathroom (with a blue toilet!), one balcony and an extensive upper porch, lots of square footage, lots of closet space, they allow dogs and have two quiet ones downstairs, lots of windows and natural light, etc. We put in our applications yesterday. It's vacant right now, so she said we would be able to move in as soon as we'd like to. The landlords live downstairs and it's a couple in probably their late 20's. It's actually a three-floor house. We would be on the second floor. They said they turned the 3rd floor into their own personal movie theater, so maybe if we become friends we would get to use it too.
Provided we take the place of course, but we both really like it a LOT. We're trying to not be over-zealous though, because apparently that gets us into trouble. We're going to take a second walk-through either way to make sure. I'm sure I'll have an update on this soon.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Empty Spaces
Well, it’s official now. Yesterday at 4 pm, the duplex we’re living in was signed over to the new owner. Only a few short hours later, I could already smell the pungent aroma of cigarette smoke leaking upstairs. I still don’t know anything about this man, other than he’s a smoker and when he spoke to us seems to be kind of a loony. Hell, I don’t even remember his name, so I’ve just been referring to him as “Smoky.” There hasn’t been any moving of furniture going on between then and now, yet he clearly spent the night in the downstairs of the duplex. I don’t know on what furniture he spent it, so maybe he just curled up in a sleeping bag. It was easy to hear footsteps walking around downstairs, the droning mechanical noises of household items being turned on that hadn’t been turned on since February, and the more obvious yawns and laughs and smells that come along with having a downstairs neighbor.
I can’t exactly figure out why, but I’m having trouble convincing my instincts that this man is not an adversary. I feel very defensive about him having a key to our place and the ability to know when nobody’s home and I feel very anxious about having to communicate with him day-to-day. I keep telling myself it’s alright, but I just can’t shake that feeling that he’s an “opponent” somehow and I’m developing a kind of brooding contempt for him. It’s very unsettling, since this is an emotion I don’t feel very often.
My last few weeks at work have been a massive challenge for me. Each project involves me spending several weeks creating it, then it gets sent out to the other departments for a while, and then returns to me to put the finishing touches on it. I started almost two years ago and the projects are all supposed to be done with a little more than two years from now. So for the entire month of May, I’ve had the perfect blend of new stuff that I’m still building and old stuff that’s in the process of coming back to me to fix. It’s a very stressful feeling to finish one thing only to discover that three more have come back from out of nowhere. By the time I finish those, I have even more.
The good news, though, is that Lia and I have found a new place to live. Due to a conflict that arose when giving our notice, we find ourselves having the entire month of June as an overlap to move into the new place. I would like to get another look at the place before I go about describing it. Further details will be provided in the future.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Bad Juju
Lia has what she considers a Birthday Curse. Her birthdays are generally forgotten or filled instead with the selfish-intent of the provider, leading her to develop a lot of misgivings surrounding her special day. Being the first of her birthdays I have known her for, I have been determined to break this cycle. The weekend prior, I took her out for breakfast, planned on going to the Art Museum (though that was rescheduled), took her to see “Date Night” and have dinner at the cinema grill near Bayshore Mall, and capped the night off with tickets to see Demetri Martin, who has always been one of our favorite comedians. The day was a success.
We had both taken off on her actual birthday, a Wednesday, to head for the Art Museum like we had rescheduled. It was a fun, midweek adventure. Afterwards, we headed home and dealt with picking up my broken car from the mechanic, soon to be followed by dinner at the Olive Garden. We drove separate cars home, during which time she received a happy birthday message from my parents, ending with an ominous summons to have me call them. Meanwhile, I had neglected to answer their call to me, since I hate talking on the phone while I’m driving. The message waited until I arrived back at our residence. I returned their call shortly, only to learn from my father that our family dog, Blaze, had passed away while at the vet that day.
To quote my mother’s explanation: “He had been having heavy panting/breathing as part of his problems lately. It was one of the things we were getting the blood drawn for as a first step. Just that morning at home before we left, he had an episode of that weird breathing and then it settled down. When the tech was there to get blood that breathing started again and he then stopped breathing and collapsed and he was gone immediately. They tried to resuscitate him but it did not help. He never started breathing again.”
Farewell, Blaze. The family just doesn’t feel complete anymore. According to Lia, the Birthday Curse continues.
Two days later, on Friday, our landlord informed us that the duplex we’re living in has been sold! Our leases and security deposit will transfer to the new owner, who will be living downstairs once they close on the property at the end of May. The following Sunday, the new owner came by with the house assessor, while he was measuring our apartment. The new owner talked to Lia and I for about 20 minutes. Notice, I didn’t say that we had a conversation; he “talked at us” that entire time. Hardly stopped to take breaths in between, and every couple of sentences was a new topic about a few other members of his family tree that he just expected us to know somehow. The man was clearly out-of-his-mind. Most notably, though, is the fact that this man absolutely reeked of smoke. Being allergic to smoke, and knowing that we could smell the previous tenants’ cooking every single night, our apartment is going to turn into a 700 square foot smoke-box. Now we’ve got to put our noses to the grindstone in order to find a way out of the apartment before the new guy moves in. Plus, he was fairly creepy and I don’t know how I feel about Lia being there when I’m not home while he’s got keys to the apartment.
The following day was our anniversary. Our first year together! In the morning before I left for work, Lia could feel the first indications of an impending migraine. She insisted it was no big deal, and called in sick to work. A couple hours into my workday, I got an email from a friend that said Lia had been trying to contact me all day without success. Lo-and-behold, my phone was still on silent from the night before, and I now had several missed calls and text messages. I quickly ran outside and returned the phone calls. Lia was currently in the emergency room with her mother. Lia’s migraine had evolved into a numbness pervading large parts of her body, her vision started to recede, and confusion had set in, which made it difficult to even remember phone numbers that she’s known her whole life. Knowing that all of these are symptoms of a stroke, I started to panic, but she and her mom insisted that I don’t leave work to meet them at the hospital. The doctors gave her a CT scan of her head, a couple of IVs and a prescription for Codeine. They’ve determined that she hasn’t had a stroke, but have instead classified it as an “atypical migraine.” Usually, her migraines go away when she takes Benadryl or when she goes to sleep. Since we happened to be out of Benadryl that morning and she had just gotten up, she didn’t have any weapons to combat the migraine with. The hospital’s official conclusion is that this is what all of her migraines would turn into without immediate medication.
In the meantime, I’m considering the merits of chalking this up to a brand new Anniversary Curse. Time will tell.
We had both taken off on her actual birthday, a Wednesday, to head for the Art Museum like we had rescheduled. It was a fun, midweek adventure. Afterwards, we headed home and dealt with picking up my broken car from the mechanic, soon to be followed by dinner at the Olive Garden. We drove separate cars home, during which time she received a happy birthday message from my parents, ending with an ominous summons to have me call them. Meanwhile, I had neglected to answer their call to me, since I hate talking on the phone while I’m driving. The message waited until I arrived back at our residence. I returned their call shortly, only to learn from my father that our family dog, Blaze, had passed away while at the vet that day.
To quote my mother’s explanation: “He had been having heavy panting/breathing as part of his problems lately. It was one of the things we were getting the blood drawn for as a first step. Just that morning at home before we left, he had an episode of that weird breathing and then it settled down. When the tech was there to get blood that breathing started again and he then stopped breathing and collapsed and he was gone immediately. They tried to resuscitate him but it did not help. He never started breathing again.”
Farewell, Blaze. The family just doesn’t feel complete anymore. According to Lia, the Birthday Curse continues.
Two days later, on Friday, our landlord informed us that the duplex we’re living in has been sold! Our leases and security deposit will transfer to the new owner, who will be living downstairs once they close on the property at the end of May. The following Sunday, the new owner came by with the house assessor, while he was measuring our apartment. The new owner talked to Lia and I for about 20 minutes. Notice, I didn’t say that we had a conversation; he “talked at us” that entire time. Hardly stopped to take breaths in between, and every couple of sentences was a new topic about a few other members of his family tree that he just expected us to know somehow. The man was clearly out-of-his-mind. Most notably, though, is the fact that this man absolutely reeked of smoke. Being allergic to smoke, and knowing that we could smell the previous tenants’ cooking every single night, our apartment is going to turn into a 700 square foot smoke-box. Now we’ve got to put our noses to the grindstone in order to find a way out of the apartment before the new guy moves in. Plus, he was fairly creepy and I don’t know how I feel about Lia being there when I’m not home while he’s got keys to the apartment.
The following day was our anniversary. Our first year together! In the morning before I left for work, Lia could feel the first indications of an impending migraine. She insisted it was no big deal, and called in sick to work. A couple hours into my workday, I got an email from a friend that said Lia had been trying to contact me all day without success. Lo-and-behold, my phone was still on silent from the night before, and I now had several missed calls and text messages. I quickly ran outside and returned the phone calls. Lia was currently in the emergency room with her mother. Lia’s migraine had evolved into a numbness pervading large parts of her body, her vision started to recede, and confusion had set in, which made it difficult to even remember phone numbers that she’s known her whole life. Knowing that all of these are symptoms of a stroke, I started to panic, but she and her mom insisted that I don’t leave work to meet them at the hospital. The doctors gave her a CT scan of her head, a couple of IVs and a prescription for Codeine. They’ve determined that she hasn’t had a stroke, but have instead classified it as an “atypical migraine.” Usually, her migraines go away when she takes Benadryl or when she goes to sleep. Since we happened to be out of Benadryl that morning and she had just gotten up, she didn’t have any weapons to combat the migraine with. The hospital’s official conclusion is that this is what all of her migraines would turn into without immediate medication.
In the meantime, I’m considering the merits of chalking this up to a brand new Anniversary Curse. Time will tell.
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