The most basic of human needs rely on our means of shelter. Shelter that is reliable, secure, and unequivocally well maintained is essential in providing someone with the means to nurture their well-being.
Last spring, I took part in the selection of a “new” shelter. One in which I believed I could weather the winds and rains, and keep my emotions running smoothly while I focused on other aspects of my life. When those aspects fall into disarray, all you have left is your shelter. When you make a shelter into your home, it should provide solace and fortitude. Instead, the shelter that I selected became a prison; a jar in which I could not escape from, to be placed on a shelf watching the world go by from behind glass. Survival requires someone to make the best out of bad situations. My cell in the Above became my new home, decorated and tailored to clench every last bit of fondness to it that I could muster.
As the Warden’s grip loosened and her inevitable departure became apparent, those cracks in the security became even more obvious. The walls I perceived as granite and marble were simply plaster and aging drywall. The paint peeling away displayed the layers beneath, entombing the very walls that trapped my predecessors in this place. Sometimes you can even feel the wind blowing through. Since the Warden left, even the heat can escape through the tiniest of cracks.
But surveying the world outside the tower is another matter entirely when you’ve been gazing at it, twisted by the perspective of the Above. The dregs that wander the grounds bring with them the personality of an impoverished outlaw and a small hint of anarchy. Enough to regard them with caution, for when you trap an enemy on all four sides, it forces them to struggle even more intensely for release. And really, that’s all this city is: a trap. A trap for the tired, the poor, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. A trap for the wretched refuse of teeming shores long forgotten. A trap for those tossed by the tempests of the economy and the job market, and their standing in life. They, like me, are trapped here by circumstance. And as much as I despise them for their lawlessness and their psychoses, I can’t help but be ashamed at the fact that in spite of my intentions...
I’m here too.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Leeches
I had a really weird dream last night. I don't have a good grasp of the flow of events, but I remember some things that I saw.
Throughout the entire dream, there were ghosts everywhere. They looked like people draped with black shadows. I don't know how else to describe it, but they appeared to be wearing the shadows as if they were robes. On their faces, they were wearing white masks, which were undecorated, except for big black circles where they eyes should be. Except for the very end of the dream, they were always present. Usually in groups of three or four. They were completely stationary, other than always facing me.
It started where I was in a church. Everything was candle-lit, and the insides of the church were covered in black, purple, and orange velvet. I was sitting on a rafter, hanging from the ceiling, watching the worshipers enter the church and sit down, waiting for the service to begin. The entire congregation was made up of extremely elderly nuns. Most were over a hundred years old, but were still spry and could walk upright, even though their eyes were sunken back and they were all skin and bones. They all spoke a language I didn't understand.
At the back of the church, there were large ceramic bowls on pedestals. These bowls were filled with water, and the water was full of leeches that were well over a foot long each. As the nuns would walk in, they would each pull a leech out, and let it consume their left index finger, up to the first knuckle. These leeches would drink their blood during the service, in order to "harvest the blood of the believers." After the service, they would deposit the gorged leeches back into the bowl. This bowl was then taken out of the church, to be delivered to somebody. I would assume to the leader of the church, but I didn't see it again.
The ghosts that I was describing before were all around the church, watching me. Many were standing over by the bowl of leeches in the back. Many more were sitting with me up in the rafters. Still others were sitting in the pews. The elderly nuns didn't seem to see them, but they were aware of their presence.
During one service, I fell off the rafters, and landed in the center of the church. I was unhurt, and quickly stood up. All of the nuns got out of the pews and approached me, saying things that I didn't understand. I couldn't move, but I remember all of them pointing at me with their leech-fingers. More and more of the ghosts appeared in the room, silently watching. I don't remember anything else after this point. I still have the image in my head of the nuns pointing at me; leeches writhing on their fingers, whipping out at me.
Suddenly, I was in an abandoned movie theater lobby. The church and the nuns were all gone, but the ghosts were still everywhere. I remember running past the ghosts and down a hallway, to try and get out of the building. I don't remember much else.
The next thing that I remember is being in a row-boat, alone. The ghosts are finally gone. It's night, and it's warm and humid outside. If I look up, I can see every star in the sky and a faint yellow glow on the horizon. A little over a quarter mile away is a forested island. Several miles to my right is a coastline filled with houses that also seem abandoned. Underneath the ocean's surface, there are large glowing shapes moving around. They are difficult to explain, but it is like there are several spotlights on the ocean floor, pointing up in my direction. I begin to row to the forested island. All I remember is that I need to be stealthy or else whoever lives on that island is going to know that I am there. I don't remember anything else after this point.
I've always been able to interpret my dreams fairly well. But I'll admit, this one has me stumped.
Throughout the entire dream, there were ghosts everywhere. They looked like people draped with black shadows. I don't know how else to describe it, but they appeared to be wearing the shadows as if they were robes. On their faces, they were wearing white masks, which were undecorated, except for big black circles where they eyes should be. Except for the very end of the dream, they were always present. Usually in groups of three or four. They were completely stationary, other than always facing me.
It started where I was in a church. Everything was candle-lit, and the insides of the church were covered in black, purple, and orange velvet. I was sitting on a rafter, hanging from the ceiling, watching the worshipers enter the church and sit down, waiting for the service to begin. The entire congregation was made up of extremely elderly nuns. Most were over a hundred years old, but were still spry and could walk upright, even though their eyes were sunken back and they were all skin and bones. They all spoke a language I didn't understand.
At the back of the church, there were large ceramic bowls on pedestals. These bowls were filled with water, and the water was full of leeches that were well over a foot long each. As the nuns would walk in, they would each pull a leech out, and let it consume their left index finger, up to the first knuckle. These leeches would drink their blood during the service, in order to "harvest the blood of the believers." After the service, they would deposit the gorged leeches back into the bowl. This bowl was then taken out of the church, to be delivered to somebody. I would assume to the leader of the church, but I didn't see it again.
The ghosts that I was describing before were all around the church, watching me. Many were standing over by the bowl of leeches in the back. Many more were sitting with me up in the rafters. Still others were sitting in the pews. The elderly nuns didn't seem to see them, but they were aware of their presence.
During one service, I fell off the rafters, and landed in the center of the church. I was unhurt, and quickly stood up. All of the nuns got out of the pews and approached me, saying things that I didn't understand. I couldn't move, but I remember all of them pointing at me with their leech-fingers. More and more of the ghosts appeared in the room, silently watching. I don't remember anything else after this point. I still have the image in my head of the nuns pointing at me; leeches writhing on their fingers, whipping out at me.
Suddenly, I was in an abandoned movie theater lobby. The church and the nuns were all gone, but the ghosts were still everywhere. I remember running past the ghosts and down a hallway, to try and get out of the building. I don't remember much else.
The next thing that I remember is being in a row-boat, alone. The ghosts are finally gone. It's night, and it's warm and humid outside. If I look up, I can see every star in the sky and a faint yellow glow on the horizon. A little over a quarter mile away is a forested island. Several miles to my right is a coastline filled with houses that also seem abandoned. Underneath the ocean's surface, there are large glowing shapes moving around. They are difficult to explain, but it is like there are several spotlights on the ocean floor, pointing up in my direction. I begin to row to the forested island. All I remember is that I need to be stealthy or else whoever lives on that island is going to know that I am there. I don't remember anything else after this point.
I've always been able to interpret my dreams fairly well. But I'll admit, this one has me stumped.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Apples and Oranges
The more that I've been applying for jobs lately, the less I feel like I belong. I can't figure out any other way to explain it, but allow me to try.
I've been in graphic design as a college major and career path since sometime in 2005, but I had been self-teaching myself gradually since about 2002. That's about 9 years of professional and educational experience, all around.
Now, my job is going away. The "end date" has been bumped up to approximately May, instead of August like I had heard a couple weeks ago. The more that I look at new positions to apply for, the more I'm realizing that none of them seem to fit in with me or my skillset. I do well when working with printed media, to a point. I also do very well when it comes to laying out text on a page and formatting. A job in graphic design that involves ONLY these two things (like the one I have now) is extremely rare and focused towards a very niche group of businesses. The more that I focus on jobs like this, the more that I become pigeonholed in jobs like it because they don't allow me to add any other new skills to my repertoire. I find myself now ONLY able to really say I have experience in this very rare type of niche, which means that I'm back at square one again, with no experience again. Or at least, not the right kind for a changing industry.
I have no experience in website development. (Other than just putzing my way through.) I have no experience in Flash. I have no experience or interest in "actual" marketing, which most employers seem to think is exactly the same as graphic design, and that fact has almost gotten me fired before. I have very limited experience in PR, which also seems to come up a lot when hunting for graphic design jobs. Really, when I look at it, all that I've got for background is Photoshop, Illustrator, and Quark. And within those, there are still huge limits to my knowledge, just based on what Carroll never taught me, and what I have or haven't had to do in my employment.
Today I applied with a staffing company that places graphic artists exclusively, from all sort of backgrounds. They required me to list my proficiency in different graphic design programs. After that, they sent me an assessment quiz where they asked me questions about each program. I bombed the whole thing. In the quiz for Photoshop, which has always been my strongest skill, and something that I've been using regularly for six years, I only got a 40%. My other scores weren't much better. The truly sad part is that I know that it was all stuff that I knew SHOULD have been common sense. About three hours ago, they responded back to me with an outright denial of my entrance into the program. Not a "we'll keep you on file" or anything like that. What I got was:
"Unfortunately, at this time, your results do not qualify you for further testing. That decision resulted from your responses to the pre-screen questions, which are based on industry-standard knowledge and best practices, review of your portfolio pieces and from your software skills and experience."
Job rejection is one thing, and ultimately, not that big of a deal to me. There'll be another one. But this. I don't know. It stirs something up inside me. It's like rejecting me from the entire industry and career field of graphic design. And like I said above... It really makes me feel like I'm inadequate on a professional level and that I don't belong here. Those are both things that I've always been worried about and it really makes me look back and go "I was right all along." I've had three jobs in this field. Two of which ended because I quit instead of allowing them to fire me. I can't help but feel like I'm making my life more difficult by staying in this line of work. But then, where do I go from here? What else can I do now?
I'll be honest; I feel very lost right now. I also feel like I need a change of scenery. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I am considering relocating if that opportunity arises. I don't feel quite like I know who I am, yet, and I think I have this unquenched desire to find a new place to call home. I need something drastically different.
I've been in graphic design as a college major and career path since sometime in 2005, but I had been self-teaching myself gradually since about 2002. That's about 9 years of professional and educational experience, all around.
Now, my job is going away. The "end date" has been bumped up to approximately May, instead of August like I had heard a couple weeks ago. The more that I look at new positions to apply for, the more I'm realizing that none of them seem to fit in with me or my skillset. I do well when working with printed media, to a point. I also do very well when it comes to laying out text on a page and formatting. A job in graphic design that involves ONLY these two things (like the one I have now) is extremely rare and focused towards a very niche group of businesses. The more that I focus on jobs like this, the more that I become pigeonholed in jobs like it because they don't allow me to add any other new skills to my repertoire. I find myself now ONLY able to really say I have experience in this very rare type of niche, which means that I'm back at square one again, with no experience again. Or at least, not the right kind for a changing industry.
I have no experience in website development. (Other than just putzing my way through.) I have no experience in Flash. I have no experience or interest in "actual" marketing, which most employers seem to think is exactly the same as graphic design, and that fact has almost gotten me fired before. I have very limited experience in PR, which also seems to come up a lot when hunting for graphic design jobs. Really, when I look at it, all that I've got for background is Photoshop, Illustrator, and Quark. And within those, there are still huge limits to my knowledge, just based on what Carroll never taught me, and what I have or haven't had to do in my employment.
Today I applied with a staffing company that places graphic artists exclusively, from all sort of backgrounds. They required me to list my proficiency in different graphic design programs. After that, they sent me an assessment quiz where they asked me questions about each program. I bombed the whole thing. In the quiz for Photoshop, which has always been my strongest skill, and something that I've been using regularly for six years, I only got a 40%. My other scores weren't much better. The truly sad part is that I know that it was all stuff that I knew SHOULD have been common sense. About three hours ago, they responded back to me with an outright denial of my entrance into the program. Not a "we'll keep you on file" or anything like that. What I got was:
"Unfortunately, at this time, your results do not qualify you for further testing. That decision resulted from your responses to the pre-screen questions, which are based on industry-standard knowledge and best practices, review of your portfolio pieces and from your software skills and experience."
Job rejection is one thing, and ultimately, not that big of a deal to me. There'll be another one. But this. I don't know. It stirs something up inside me. It's like rejecting me from the entire industry and career field of graphic design. And like I said above... It really makes me feel like I'm inadequate on a professional level and that I don't belong here. Those are both things that I've always been worried about and it really makes me look back and go "I was right all along." I've had three jobs in this field. Two of which ended because I quit instead of allowing them to fire me. I can't help but feel like I'm making my life more difficult by staying in this line of work. But then, where do I go from here? What else can I do now?
I'll be honest; I feel very lost right now. I also feel like I need a change of scenery. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I am considering relocating if that opportunity arises. I don't feel quite like I know who I am, yet, and I think I have this unquenched desire to find a new place to call home. I need something drastically different.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Snowmageddon
For just a moment, Alexus and I put our escape plan on hold. Before descending the stairs, we stood on the back porch, marveling at the sight before us. Inch after inch of snow had descended from the sky the night before, stacking up against the sides of houses and trees alike. Nature is apparently not a fan of favoritism. The small table on the back porch had been flung against the railing near the stairs, while the chairs it once accompanied stood silently in their original positions. Surprisingly, they were barren of the frozen blanket that gripped the rest of the world in stillness. And eerie sign of a silent struggle.
We made our way down the stairs, stumbling for but a moment as the untouched remnants of last-night's storm cracked and fled from beneath our feet, as if terrified of a retribution that we hadn't even considered. Meanwhile, the wind picked up briskly and seeped into the cracks of our clothing; an uninvited guest, still hellbent on keeping us away from the world that it recently laid claim to.
Despite the sunny day all around us, the atmosphere was starkly oppressive. Drifts of snow felt like they rose taller than your head, threatening to absorb you into themselves if you ventured too close. The sidewalks almost felt walled off, trying to keep us locked in. We were prisoners. Captives of a sentient force against which we had no defense. Or perhaps, just casualties of a war we were hoping not to be a part of.
Alexus' car remained waylaid as well. Parked in a safe location the night before, it now seemed to have even less of an escape than we did. The snow wrapped up into her wheel-wells and against her windows like colossal fingers both holding the vehicle in place and beckoning us to try to unearth the trapped machine at the same time. Our only way out, we retrieved the tools to free it from its captor. For the better part of an hour, we shoveled. We dug. We pushed and scraped. For a while, we even lost hope. We listened to the mechanical beast before us screeching and writhing in pain. It rocked back and forth in the covering of winter like a wild animal with a wounded leg.
I'm not entirely certain what straw broke the camel's back, but eventually Alexus' car burst triumphantly from its confines. And at that moment, the two of us were finally free. The grip of winter had loosened just enough to allow us passage. The landscape was different than it was the day before; empty, lifeless and cold in the wake of the upheaval. Neither of us quite knew what to expect from the new world. All we knew is that it was ours.
We made our way down the stairs, stumbling for but a moment as the untouched remnants of last-night's storm cracked and fled from beneath our feet, as if terrified of a retribution that we hadn't even considered. Meanwhile, the wind picked up briskly and seeped into the cracks of our clothing; an uninvited guest, still hellbent on keeping us away from the world that it recently laid claim to.
Despite the sunny day all around us, the atmosphere was starkly oppressive. Drifts of snow felt like they rose taller than your head, threatening to absorb you into themselves if you ventured too close. The sidewalks almost felt walled off, trying to keep us locked in. We were prisoners. Captives of a sentient force against which we had no defense. Or perhaps, just casualties of a war we were hoping not to be a part of.
Alexus' car remained waylaid as well. Parked in a safe location the night before, it now seemed to have even less of an escape than we did. The snow wrapped up into her wheel-wells and against her windows like colossal fingers both holding the vehicle in place and beckoning us to try to unearth the trapped machine at the same time. Our only way out, we retrieved the tools to free it from its captor. For the better part of an hour, we shoveled. We dug. We pushed and scraped. For a while, we even lost hope. We listened to the mechanical beast before us screeching and writhing in pain. It rocked back and forth in the covering of winter like a wild animal with a wounded leg.
I'm not entirely certain what straw broke the camel's back, but eventually Alexus' car burst triumphantly from its confines. And at that moment, the two of us were finally free. The grip of winter had loosened just enough to allow us passage. The landscape was different than it was the day before; empty, lifeless and cold in the wake of the upheaval. Neither of us quite knew what to expect from the new world. All we knew is that it was ours.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thirty
Back in December, I went up to Stevens Point to visit my good friends, Ben and Annette. While we were up there, Annette directed me to a list that she had made, of 30 things that she wanted to accomplish before she was 30. Since I met Alexus, I've been in a major self-improvement sort of mood, and I've been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish in the next 4 and half years. I wrote this a week or two ago, but I've spent the last couple weeks tweaking it to make sure it's absolutely how I want it. I think it's perfect, now. And yes, some of them are incredibly nerdy. But come on, guys. You should know me by now. I'm trying to keep them reasonable, but challenging.
Without further ado, here are 30 things that I want to accomplish before I'm 30 years old. I will start a photo album on here to post photos or screenshots (as the case may be) to verify my progress. I will also update the note with completion dates.
Wish me luck.
1. Get Married.
2. Have a child, or at least be expecting one.
3. Own a house.
4. Learn to cook 20 "everyday" meals from memory. I don't know how to cook anything, really.
5. Learn Finnish. Of course, the language that I want to learn is one of the few not offered by Rosetta Stone. Figures, right?
6. Begin attending Tai Chi classes again.
7. Learn to play guitar.
8. See the following bands in concert: Coheed & Cambria, Marilyn Manson, Offspring, Smashing Pumpkins, Electric Six, Avenged Sevenfold, Nine Inch Nails.
9. See a classical music concert. I'd also accept an opera. Extra points if it's Don Giovanni.
10. Read 5 novels. Considering I never read, this'll be more difficult than most people would probably give me credit for.
11. Completely design a videogame. Either an old-school RPG or a survival-horror game. Maybe both in one? Find someone to help me make it.
12. Beat every Silent Hill game and every Tomb Raider game.
13. Have at least 5 Warcraft characters at the level cap. They don't have to be any good, but they have to get there.
14. See every episode of Star Trek. From every incarnation of the show. The movies too.
15. Make at least 25 pieces of artwork that aren't "work" related. Photography doesn't count.
16. Make at least $100 selling photography.
17. Wake up early and get at least 12 photo-shoots at sunrise. One in each month of the year, and each one in a different place.
18. Actually write the story I've had in my head for about 5 years, now. I don't know in what format it'll be, but I want to get it written down and viewable to the public.
19. Write 3 short stories.
20. Have at least $2000 invested in the stock market.
21. Successfully find 500 geocaches.
22. Go camping at least 5 more times.
23. Go canoeing at least 10 more times.
24. Take a multiple-state road trip with friends. Destination is not important, but we have to be gone for at least a week.
25. Travel to any one of these distant lands: New Zealand, Easter Island, Scotland, or Finland. Only one is required.
26. Visit Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, Ohio. Roller Coaster capital of the world!
27. Visit Roswell, New Mexico.
28. See the aurora borealis in person.
29. Have the perfect day. Watch the sun come up. Go out for an awesome and filling breakfast. Come home and play video-games until the food coma goes away. Go geocaching or canoeing all day, or at least spend all day outside. Have the spicy chicken pasta from Chili's for dinner. Go see a horror or sci-fi movie afterwards. Find a place to get ice-cream (even if it's late at night by this point.) Go for a walk in the countryside after sunset, just like old times. Come home again and sleep. Perfect.
30. Find a way to work from home. This is probably a pipe dream, but I'm going to try.
Without further ado, here are 30 things that I want to accomplish before I'm 30 years old. I will start a photo album on here to post photos or screenshots (as the case may be) to verify my progress. I will also update the note with completion dates.
Wish me luck.
1. Get Married.
2. Have a child, or at least be expecting one.
3. Own a house.
4. Learn to cook 20 "everyday" meals from memory. I don't know how to cook anything, really.
5. Learn Finnish. Of course, the language that I want to learn is one of the few not offered by Rosetta Stone. Figures, right?
6. Begin attending Tai Chi classes again.
7. Learn to play guitar.
8. See the following bands in concert: Coheed & Cambria, Marilyn Manson, Offspring, Smashing Pumpkins, Electric Six, Avenged Sevenfold, Nine Inch Nails.
9. See a classical music concert. I'd also accept an opera. Extra points if it's Don Giovanni.
10. Read 5 novels. Considering I never read, this'll be more difficult than most people would probably give me credit for.
11. Completely design a videogame. Either an old-school RPG or a survival-horror game. Maybe both in one? Find someone to help me make it.
12. Beat every Silent Hill game and every Tomb Raider game.
13. Have at least 5 Warcraft characters at the level cap. They don't have to be any good, but they have to get there.
14. See every episode of Star Trek. From every incarnation of the show. The movies too.
15. Make at least 25 pieces of artwork that aren't "work" related. Photography doesn't count.
16. Make at least $100 selling photography.
17. Wake up early and get at least 12 photo-shoots at sunrise. One in each month of the year, and each one in a different place.
18. Actually write the story I've had in my head for about 5 years, now. I don't know in what format it'll be, but I want to get it written down and viewable to the public.
19. Write 3 short stories.
20. Have at least $2000 invested in the stock market.
21. Successfully find 500 geocaches.
22. Go camping at least 5 more times.
23. Go canoeing at least 10 more times.
24. Take a multiple-state road trip with friends. Destination is not important, but we have to be gone for at least a week.
25. Travel to any one of these distant lands: New Zealand, Easter Island, Scotland, or Finland. Only one is required.
26. Visit Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, Ohio. Roller Coaster capital of the world!
27. Visit Roswell, New Mexico.
28. See the aurora borealis in person.
29. Have the perfect day. Watch the sun come up. Go out for an awesome and filling breakfast. Come home and play video-games until the food coma goes away. Go geocaching or canoeing all day, or at least spend all day outside. Have the spicy chicken pasta from Chili's for dinner. Go see a horror or sci-fi movie afterwards. Find a place to get ice-cream (even if it's late at night by this point.) Go for a walk in the countryside after sunset, just like old times. Come home again and sleep. Perfect.
30. Find a way to work from home. This is probably a pipe dream, but I'm going to try.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How Fortuitous
Things are a little jumbled up around here. I say that as though it's something different than normal. A lot has happened in the last week, and in some ways it feels like nothing has happened at all, if that makes any sense. It kind of feels like all of this stuff is happening at a time where I can "start fresh," as it were.
My boss has confirmed that starting the search for a new job would be encouraged. I've got until around August before I "officially" run out of work to do around here. But since all the part-timers are running out of work to do NOW, and they're getting their hours cut because of it, they'll have no problem parsing my work between the others. So basically I get a nice, cushy, 7-8 month window to find a new position. I'm also reaching that point where I can get away with saying that I have 5 years of experience. No more entry-level! Well, not necessarily, at least.
I've decided against going into the dog-training field at this point because I simply don't have enough experience right now. I had considered the Petco/PetSmart dog-trainer options as well, but I'd definitely like to conserve more money for the time being, and it'll be easier to make that going back into Graphic Design. In all fairness, I thought I'd have until 2013 to get more experience in that before I'd have to start looking again.
Lia has confirmed that she's leaving, because we just can't stand living together anymore. She's still figuring out what date she'll be out, but she's planning on it being sometime in February. Maybe as soon as February 1st. Honestly, I've reached the point where paying for the rest of the lease by myself is a preferred alternative to saving money and having her around. Whatever. I'll get by.
Things with Alexus are still great. Saturday was one month for us. I'm still very happy. Her transfer out of the far-away Saukville Walgreens finally went through, so that's definitely good news.
I've had a bronchial infection since last Wednesday/Thursday that is seriously taking forever to go away. It's filled with that wonderful kind of coughing that burns deep in your chest and makes it difficult to breathe most of the time. Even these antibiotics don't seem to be kicking it. I've currently taken 3 and a half sick days because of it. Not feeling particularly great today either, but I don't want to keep missing work. (Even though I'm not particularly fond of work and I'll be done with this job relatively soon. What's that all about?)
So for now, it's like taking each day one-at-a-time. There's a lot of uncertainty in the next few months, but somehow, I'm just not that worried. Lately, a fresh start has seemed overdue. It's just rare for it to happen with every aspect of my life at once.
My boss has confirmed that starting the search for a new job would be encouraged. I've got until around August before I "officially" run out of work to do around here. But since all the part-timers are running out of work to do NOW, and they're getting their hours cut because of it, they'll have no problem parsing my work between the others. So basically I get a nice, cushy, 7-8 month window to find a new position. I'm also reaching that point where I can get away with saying that I have 5 years of experience. No more entry-level! Well, not necessarily, at least.
I've decided against going into the dog-training field at this point because I simply don't have enough experience right now. I had considered the Petco/PetSmart dog-trainer options as well, but I'd definitely like to conserve more money for the time being, and it'll be easier to make that going back into Graphic Design. In all fairness, I thought I'd have until 2013 to get more experience in that before I'd have to start looking again.
Lia has confirmed that she's leaving, because we just can't stand living together anymore. She's still figuring out what date she'll be out, but she's planning on it being sometime in February. Maybe as soon as February 1st. Honestly, I've reached the point where paying for the rest of the lease by myself is a preferred alternative to saving money and having her around. Whatever. I'll get by.
Things with Alexus are still great. Saturday was one month for us. I'm still very happy. Her transfer out of the far-away Saukville Walgreens finally went through, so that's definitely good news.
I've had a bronchial infection since last Wednesday/Thursday that is seriously taking forever to go away. It's filled with that wonderful kind of coughing that burns deep in your chest and makes it difficult to breathe most of the time. Even these antibiotics don't seem to be kicking it. I've currently taken 3 and a half sick days because of it. Not feeling particularly great today either, but I don't want to keep missing work. (Even though I'm not particularly fond of work and I'll be done with this job relatively soon. What's that all about?)
So for now, it's like taking each day one-at-a-time. There's a lot of uncertainty in the next few months, but somehow, I'm just not that worried. Lately, a fresh start has seemed overdue. It's just rare for it to happen with every aspect of my life at once.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Round and Round
I consider myself a planner. The sort of person who also has goals set and a destination in mind at every turn. Seldom does anything ever go as planned, of course. Now that high school and college are finished, I'm discovering that the future is becoming a lot more hazy than I would care for.
Consider the terms of my current lease. I broke up with Lia in July, immediately after signing the lease. Lots of foresight there, clearly. The last several months have been a weird mixture of angry door-slamming to reluctant acceptance to "let's try be friends." Lately it's been kind of a blend of all three. A day or two ago, Lia broke the news to me that her brother and his roommate might be interested in taking the lease over in April. While that's amazing news because it gets us out of this awkward living situation sooner, it makes me wonder what else is in store.
A few months ago, my boss took the opportunity to remind me that my job will be essentially "over" when this giant project gets finished. Originally, that was supposed to be done in 2013. Over the last couple months, the other coworkers in my department have been running out of work to do, so the big-wigs have been taking the work that was meant for me and delegating it to the others to give them something to do. According to my boss's projections, I MIGHT be done as early as August. I genuinely do not want to leave this job sooner than I have to, but my boss has been dodging my questions about the subject for the last couple days, so that's generally not a good sign.
This puts me in quite a spot as far as concerns my next lease. Let's assume I'm out in April. I'm not going to want to take on a year lease if I may by jobless in a few months. 6 months might work and month-to-month would definitely work, but leases like that are hard to come by these days. That also brings up concerns about the roommate situation. Alexus and I like to spend a lot of time together. I realize some of you frown on that since it's only been a month, but that's how both of us like to pursue relationships, so it's working out great as far as we're concerned. I don't see that changing anytime soon. If I would go the roommate route, though, I think any roommate would probably get sick of having another frequent visitor pretty quickly. At the same time, living "alone" is a lot of undue financial strain. Even if Alexus weren't in the picture at all, I really liked the freedom of living alone and having free-reign of my territory. Not to mention that if I do end up jobless, even for a month or two, it would screw over a potential roommate pretty badly.
My original plan was to finish up my dog-training classes, practice until 2013, and then see what I'm comfortable with at that point. I'm not going to have time for that if August is my deadline. The last time I met with my mentor, she asked me what I wanted to do with the certification. I told her I wasn't certain yet. She did tell me that she knows that the Washington County and Ozaukee County Humane Societies need a lot of help from experienced trainers. I was unclear if those were paid positions or not, but it's a lead and I have a reference, I suppose. I really don't want to work graphic design again unless I have to. I've done it for years now, and the more it goes on, the less I think it's my "calling." I suppose if all else fails, I can take a pay-cut and check into my options working as a trainer at a Petco or Petsmart. I'll look for graphic design again if I have to, but I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
In the end, I suppose here's what I'm left with. If the lease is done in April now, I would probably need to have a good idea of what's going on with work at some point in February in order to formulate a better plan of attack. I've discussed this with a couple of coworkers here, and they've reminded me that NPH doesn't grant any sort of unemployment because it is a non-profit that is in the church industry, and therefore not eligible to be used for such a thing. I'm not entirely certain how the legality of everything works there, but I'm trying not to bank on it as an option, just in case. Thoughts? Anybody?
Consider the terms of my current lease. I broke up with Lia in July, immediately after signing the lease. Lots of foresight there, clearly. The last several months have been a weird mixture of angry door-slamming to reluctant acceptance to "let's try be friends." Lately it's been kind of a blend of all three. A day or two ago, Lia broke the news to me that her brother and his roommate might be interested in taking the lease over in April. While that's amazing news because it gets us out of this awkward living situation sooner, it makes me wonder what else is in store.
A few months ago, my boss took the opportunity to remind me that my job will be essentially "over" when this giant project gets finished. Originally, that was supposed to be done in 2013. Over the last couple months, the other coworkers in my department have been running out of work to do, so the big-wigs have been taking the work that was meant for me and delegating it to the others to give them something to do. According to my boss's projections, I MIGHT be done as early as August. I genuinely do not want to leave this job sooner than I have to, but my boss has been dodging my questions about the subject for the last couple days, so that's generally not a good sign.
This puts me in quite a spot as far as concerns my next lease. Let's assume I'm out in April. I'm not going to want to take on a year lease if I may by jobless in a few months. 6 months might work and month-to-month would definitely work, but leases like that are hard to come by these days. That also brings up concerns about the roommate situation. Alexus and I like to spend a lot of time together. I realize some of you frown on that since it's only been a month, but that's how both of us like to pursue relationships, so it's working out great as far as we're concerned. I don't see that changing anytime soon. If I would go the roommate route, though, I think any roommate would probably get sick of having another frequent visitor pretty quickly. At the same time, living "alone" is a lot of undue financial strain. Even if Alexus weren't in the picture at all, I really liked the freedom of living alone and having free-reign of my territory. Not to mention that if I do end up jobless, even for a month or two, it would screw over a potential roommate pretty badly.
My original plan was to finish up my dog-training classes, practice until 2013, and then see what I'm comfortable with at that point. I'm not going to have time for that if August is my deadline. The last time I met with my mentor, she asked me what I wanted to do with the certification. I told her I wasn't certain yet. She did tell me that she knows that the Washington County and Ozaukee County Humane Societies need a lot of help from experienced trainers. I was unclear if those were paid positions or not, but it's a lead and I have a reference, I suppose. I really don't want to work graphic design again unless I have to. I've done it for years now, and the more it goes on, the less I think it's my "calling." I suppose if all else fails, I can take a pay-cut and check into my options working as a trainer at a Petco or Petsmart. I'll look for graphic design again if I have to, but I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
In the end, I suppose here's what I'm left with. If the lease is done in April now, I would probably need to have a good idea of what's going on with work at some point in February in order to formulate a better plan of attack. I've discussed this with a couple of coworkers here, and they've reminded me that NPH doesn't grant any sort of unemployment because it is a non-profit that is in the church industry, and therefore not eligible to be used for such a thing. I'm not entirely certain how the legality of everything works there, but I'm trying not to bank on it as an option, just in case. Thoughts? Anybody?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Resolving
I've never really allowed myself to have New Years Resolutions. I've always tried to live my life regret free, believing that both good things and bad ones all happen for a reason, and if you roll with the punches, you'll still end up where you're supposed to be. From that viewpoint, it's always felt frivolous to attempt to enact a change of your own because life's just going to do whatever it wants anyway.
But more-so this year than any before, I can't help but feel like the universe is moving pieces around the board again. The most notable example of which is the addition of Alexus into my life. Since a lot of you out there don't know the full story, allow me to explain in greater detail. And pay attention, I think the details are important here.
The new World of Warcraft expansion had a midnight release on 12/7 for all of the people who had it reserved and fully paid off, myself included. So I show up around 11:45. Since the mall is closed, everyone is supposed to line up at one particular entrance, and the Gamestop employees have brought everybody's copy of the game down to hand out. Meanwhile, I'm standing in this group of guys who are being loud and obnoxious and boasting about how great their characters are. At some point they focus their attention on me and ask about mine, which one of the guys promptly starts berating. Instead of listening to this, I go over to talk to the employees who are patiently waiting for midnight.
Midnight strikes and the employees ask everyone to start forming lines. Since I'm already standing by the employees, I'm "first" in line just in terms of where I'm standing. At this point, the guy who was being a douche to me before starts freaking out about how I have to go to the back of the line because they were all there first. I don't honestly care. It's tired and I'm cold, so I just went without a fuss. Now I'm the last person in line, and I'm standing next to a guy and a girl. The guy introduced himself as James, and that prompted the girl, Alexus, to introduce herself as well. James begins making small talk about how all of his friends have stopped playing, so the game is kind of boring to him. Alexus, meanwhile, pulls out her phone to show us videos of her Warcraft character. As she's doing this, James suggests "hey, let's all exchange phone numbers so that we can talk on WoW." So, we do.
As we're moving up in line, I find out that Alexus is friends with a lot of the people that work at Gamestop, and that she's hanging out with them afterwards. Eventually, I get up to the front and the employees realize that they forgot my copy of the game up in the store. The mall is closed, and we're not supposed to go in, but the store manager decides to bring Alexus and I inside because he's not sending me home empty-handed and she has plans with friends who will be up there too. When we get up there, the employees all go into the Gamestop, but since Alexus and I are not employees, they can't let us into the store. So instead, Alexus and I get to sit down outside the closed Gamestop in the empty mall and chat one-on-one for several minutes. The employees come out and hand me my game, I thank them and say goodbye to Alexus. As I'm walking away, she shouts after me "You have my number, right?" I say I do and tell her to have a good night.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I was thinking about that whole experience on the drive back home. When lots of little random things happen to put me in a particular situation, I believe that's the universe trying to tell me something. So I'm thinking, if that guy hadn't douched out on me, I wouldn't have gotten sent to the back of the line and met Alexus. If James hadn't brought up the number exchange, I know I probably wouldn't have done it. If the employees hadn't forgotten my copy and ONLY my copy of the game, I wouldn't have gotten to go upstairs. And if the Gamestop employees had let us come in, Alexus and I wouldn't have gotten to talk one-on-one. When you look at the night as a whole, I feel like there were an awful lot of "coincidences" that occurred to put me in that situation. So, I went with my gut, and a couple of quick text messages eventually turned into the relationship that we had now. What are the odds that after talking over the last few weeks that we have the similar hobbies? Personality and sense of humor? Values? Life goals? Beliefs? She's a quirky gamer dork. Just like me. We have a very natural chemistry and the fact that she can make me laugh until I'm crying doesn't hurt either. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just can't imagine all of this being "chance".
I think the best things in life are out of our control. Look back and you'll see that my interaction and choice to make contact played a very small role in the events leading up to all this. The rest was up to the universe.
That being said, I've decided to make a small resolution this year anyway. I'm going to try and go back to writing a blog every week. I decided to take a break because I was writing a story which I was going to post. But then life got in the way, as it so often does, and I kept pushing it off as my muse faded. Now it's a couple of months later and I've got no writing to show for it. I'm hoping that'll change this time around.
Happy New Year, everyone.
But more-so this year than any before, I can't help but feel like the universe is moving pieces around the board again. The most notable example of which is the addition of Alexus into my life. Since a lot of you out there don't know the full story, allow me to explain in greater detail. And pay attention, I think the details are important here.
The new World of Warcraft expansion had a midnight release on 12/7 for all of the people who had it reserved and fully paid off, myself included. So I show up around 11:45. Since the mall is closed, everyone is supposed to line up at one particular entrance, and the Gamestop employees have brought everybody's copy of the game down to hand out. Meanwhile, I'm standing in this group of guys who are being loud and obnoxious and boasting about how great their characters are. At some point they focus their attention on me and ask about mine, which one of the guys promptly starts berating. Instead of listening to this, I go over to talk to the employees who are patiently waiting for midnight.
Midnight strikes and the employees ask everyone to start forming lines. Since I'm already standing by the employees, I'm "first" in line just in terms of where I'm standing. At this point, the guy who was being a douche to me before starts freaking out about how I have to go to the back of the line because they were all there first. I don't honestly care. It's tired and I'm cold, so I just went without a fuss. Now I'm the last person in line, and I'm standing next to a guy and a girl. The guy introduced himself as James, and that prompted the girl, Alexus, to introduce herself as well. James begins making small talk about how all of his friends have stopped playing, so the game is kind of boring to him. Alexus, meanwhile, pulls out her phone to show us videos of her Warcraft character. As she's doing this, James suggests "hey, let's all exchange phone numbers so that we can talk on WoW." So, we do.
As we're moving up in line, I find out that Alexus is friends with a lot of the people that work at Gamestop, and that she's hanging out with them afterwards. Eventually, I get up to the front and the employees realize that they forgot my copy of the game up in the store. The mall is closed, and we're not supposed to go in, but the store manager decides to bring Alexus and I inside because he's not sending me home empty-handed and she has plans with friends who will be up there too. When we get up there, the employees all go into the Gamestop, but since Alexus and I are not employees, they can't let us into the store. So instead, Alexus and I get to sit down outside the closed Gamestop in the empty mall and chat one-on-one for several minutes. The employees come out and hand me my game, I thank them and say goodbye to Alexus. As I'm walking away, she shouts after me "You have my number, right?" I say I do and tell her to have a good night.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I was thinking about that whole experience on the drive back home. When lots of little random things happen to put me in a particular situation, I believe that's the universe trying to tell me something. So I'm thinking, if that guy hadn't douched out on me, I wouldn't have gotten sent to the back of the line and met Alexus. If James hadn't brought up the number exchange, I know I probably wouldn't have done it. If the employees hadn't forgotten my copy and ONLY my copy of the game, I wouldn't have gotten to go upstairs. And if the Gamestop employees had let us come in, Alexus and I wouldn't have gotten to talk one-on-one. When you look at the night as a whole, I feel like there were an awful lot of "coincidences" that occurred to put me in that situation. So, I went with my gut, and a couple of quick text messages eventually turned into the relationship that we had now. What are the odds that after talking over the last few weeks that we have the similar hobbies? Personality and sense of humor? Values? Life goals? Beliefs? She's a quirky gamer dork. Just like me. We have a very natural chemistry and the fact that she can make me laugh until I'm crying doesn't hurt either. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just can't imagine all of this being "chance".
I think the best things in life are out of our control. Look back and you'll see that my interaction and choice to make contact played a very small role in the events leading up to all this. The rest was up to the universe.
That being said, I've decided to make a small resolution this year anyway. I'm going to try and go back to writing a blog every week. I decided to take a break because I was writing a story which I was going to post. But then life got in the way, as it so often does, and I kept pushing it off as my muse faded. Now it's a couple of months later and I've got no writing to show for it. I'm hoping that'll change this time around.
Happy New Year, everyone.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Here We Go Again
When I was hired at this job, my soon-to-be boss told me during the interview that I was being hired specifically to work on one project, and that this project is scheduled to last through 2013. When I took the job, I was certainly not in any mood to turn down an offer... I had just gotten laid off from my previous job a month before and my savings were almost completely empty just from trying to survive on the rent I was paying.
The plan, as I had imagined it, was that my dog-training schooling would be complete in about January or February of 2011. Over the following two years, I would begin to see how much work I could drum up by doing dog-training stuff on the side. Once 2013 got closer, I would have a better idea if training full-time would be possible, or if I would need to begin seeking other employment.
The other day, I dropped something off for my boss, and she sat me down to "remind me" that my employment can't be guaranteed after the Christ-Light project is over. Like I said, this wasn't new information to me. However, she proceeded to tell me that they've done a lot of rearranging of who is doing what specific task over the next couple of years. Long story short, I could be out of a job as early as next August.
In addition, she also told me that she had to cut the hours for everybody else in the department, and was "informing me" that I can go a minimum of 32 hours without losing health insurance. She said that she's not really in the loop either, and so she just wants to keep me as informed as possible. There are, and I agree with her, way too many other factors to say anything for sure. The project that I'm working on, according to my boss, is the basket that the company is putting all their eggs in. If it flops, there will be serious consequences on the business end. I would be losing my job at the end either way, because it's a one-time project. There's no sustainability there for me.
If I get knocked down to 32 hours, I'll be losing 20% of my wages. That's pretty scary. Everything is still completely up in the air right now. My projects are still "scheduled" to 2013 so it's hard to say whether they're going to keep me doing them or not. And the hours thing may not even happen. It's way too soon to tell on either front, and I don't want to start look at other jobs until I have more information. I don't want to leave this job because of something that MAY happen. I probably won't know until next year. Though if I get knocked down to 32 hours, I will probably start seeking part-time employment somewhere else.
Also, I was sifting through my task list at work today, when I came across a Teacher's Guide that I have to put together. It takes about a month to complete and I haven't started it yet because it's not due til January. At least, I thought so. This morning I discovered that I must have written down the wrong due date, and this massive project is in fact due NEXT THURSDAY. It never ends around here.
The plan, as I had imagined it, was that my dog-training schooling would be complete in about January or February of 2011. Over the following two years, I would begin to see how much work I could drum up by doing dog-training stuff on the side. Once 2013 got closer, I would have a better idea if training full-time would be possible, or if I would need to begin seeking other employment.
The other day, I dropped something off for my boss, and she sat me down to "remind me" that my employment can't be guaranteed after the Christ-Light project is over. Like I said, this wasn't new information to me. However, she proceeded to tell me that they've done a lot of rearranging of who is doing what specific task over the next couple of years. Long story short, I could be out of a job as early as next August.
In addition, she also told me that she had to cut the hours for everybody else in the department, and was "informing me" that I can go a minimum of 32 hours without losing health insurance. She said that she's not really in the loop either, and so she just wants to keep me as informed as possible. There are, and I agree with her, way too many other factors to say anything for sure. The project that I'm working on, according to my boss, is the basket that the company is putting all their eggs in. If it flops, there will be serious consequences on the business end. I would be losing my job at the end either way, because it's a one-time project. There's no sustainability there for me.
If I get knocked down to 32 hours, I'll be losing 20% of my wages. That's pretty scary. Everything is still completely up in the air right now. My projects are still "scheduled" to 2013 so it's hard to say whether they're going to keep me doing them or not. And the hours thing may not even happen. It's way too soon to tell on either front, and I don't want to start look at other jobs until I have more information. I don't want to leave this job because of something that MAY happen. I probably won't know until next year. Though if I get knocked down to 32 hours, I will probably start seeking part-time employment somewhere else.
Also, I was sifting through my task list at work today, when I came across a Teacher's Guide that I have to put together. It takes about a month to complete and I haven't started it yet because it's not due til January. At least, I thought so. This morning I discovered that I must have written down the wrong due date, and this massive project is in fact due NEXT THURSDAY. It never ends around here.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Egg
I've been extremely busy this weekend and haven't had time to prepare my weekly babbling of pseudo-existential bullshit. Instead, I will provide you with this short story, brought to my attention by my dear friend Kim. It resonates with me. It's called "The Egg" by Andy Weir.
---
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
---
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
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